How to spot a fuckboy in Sheffield

Sheffield is renowned for a lot of things; the music, the nights out, the Henderson’s Relish. Romance certainly isn’t one of them. If you don’t encounter at least five of these fuckboys on a night out in Sheffield, let’s be honest, did you really even go out?

Here’s the ultimate guide on how to spot your local fuckboy. You’re welcome.

The rugby lad

Meet Pop Tarts Gaz. He probably refers to Pop Tarts as “Poppy T’s” and is the type of guy to piss in the sink and not tell anyone. Oh, and has he mentioned he plays rugby? His quick gym sesh had obviously turned into a few cheeky drinks in Bar One with the lads and before you know it he’s already got his shirt off in the middle of Pop Tarts. You’ll find him chatting up the captain of the netball team next to the bar, with a protein shake in one hand and a vodka lemonade in the other, tensing to the point where you’re not really sure whether he’s constipated or having a stroke.

Fuckboy points: 8/10

The Manc one

With his joggers around his ankles, his Liam Gallagher bowl cut and his irrational love for starting fights, you’ll usually find this Mancunian skanking with a VK outside the toilets in Players. He refers to everyone as ‘our kid’, talks out of his nose and walks like he’s been sat on his right leg for the past 10 minutes, had two hip replacements and then shat himself. And he’s got sunglasses on his head indoors, so do I really need to elaborate? His favourite song is probably ‘Fools Gold’ by The Stone Roses.

Fuckboy points: 9/10

Your typical ‘does one shot and goes mental’ guy

Don’t let the glasses and vest deceive you. After one blue pint this aerospace engineer is a massive low-key fuckboy. Take this tame introvert to Corp and in five minutes the socially awkward science enthusiast is vaping in the smoking area with his arm around three different girls. He claims to be able to name every element in the periodic table, but having done the rainbow challenge, all you’ve seen is him fall down the stairs twice and rap the entirety of ‘That’s Not Me’ by Skepta. He secretly hasn’t done any of his coursework for the last three weeks and has just spent the last of his weekly budget on six blue pints for you and your five mates.

Fuckboy points: 3/10

The posh one

Meet conservative Mike. He pretends he’s from Oxford but he’s probably just from Watford. You’ll meet Mike stood in the corner of Crystal holding an unopened bottle of Grey Goose and judging everyone that comes within a five metre radius of him. He’ll probably greet you with a cheesy chat up line followed by a bullshit witty anecdote about that time he did cocaine on a boat with his fuckboy friends in Marbs. He chuckles into his ten years matured sloe gin and tonic. Oh yeah and he probably calls tea ‘dinner’ which just says it all.

Fuckboy points: 7/10

The romantic one

He has a quiff and probably thinks he’s William Shakespeare. Meet your typical Philosophy student who likes to take long walks in the peaks and talk about all the beautiful things in life, like Renaissance literature, Medieval architecture, oh and himself. He’s also a self-conceited dickhead with a massive ego to compliment his minimalist knowledge about Ancient Greek philosophy that he claims to know everything about. And no, he hasn’t read the entirety of James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’, instead he spends his time dropping acid in Night Kitchen. He probably has three girlfriends, so definitely don’t entertain this one.

Fuckboy points: 9/10

The edgy one

He paid £5 entry to spend his entire night stood outside in Leadmill’s smoking area and he doesn’t even smoke.  He’s probably already shown you his favourite memes and told you he’s in a full-time band even thought you’re pretty sure you saw him handing out free entry leaflets to Vodka Revs last night. With his greasy hair, his ugly shirt and his love for Tame Impala, I’d probably give this one a miss.

Fuckboy points: 5/10

Edgy

The guy that never even makes it out the flat

He’s slept with three out of the ten girls in your flat, right? He’s the type of guy that pres on K-Cider and is killed off by a quick game of Never Have I Ever because he’s obviously tried everything. It’s not even half 11 and he’s already got with two of your course mates and thrown up on somebody’s head.

Fuckboy points: 4/10