Which one night stand are you?

One night. No strings attached. Sounds like the perfect setup.

The one-night stand is a crucial part of any uni timetable. After just one game of “Never Have I Ever”, you’ll no doubt be bombarded with countless stories of alleged IC threesomes and Peak District sessions which probably never happened.

If you’re going to indulge in this time honored tradition, be prepared – it’s not always plain sailing.

The smash and dash

Maybe they’re in a rush to get home to their girlfriend, maybe they want to avoid that walk of shame in their shirt and tie. All you know is that they were on the phone to City Taxi’s quicker than you can down a Jagerbomb.

We know you don’t want to stick around for too long after the deed is done, but come on, man up and make it through the post-sex small talk.

The ‘sorry what’s your name again?’

Joe? Jack? Jim…?

You’d think there’s nothing more embarrassing than forgetting someone’s name in a lecture or around uni. Except there is, when you forget the name of the person you’ve just slept with.

Even worse is when you can’t remember what they looked like. The only option is to keep your head down, avoid the eyes of everyone on campus, and blame it on the Corp pints.

The virgin

Better safe than sorry

Yes, it happens. In the morning you’re left with the painful guilt that your intoxicated attempts at a half decent shag were this unlucky persons first experience.

But this grey cloud has one silver lining – a drunken loss of virginity will make their second time around seem ten times more glamorous.

The second suitor for them will have next to no pressure to measure up – the bar was set so low from the outset. Things can only better from here.

The overstays their welcome

You may have invited this sad soul into your bed last night, but you certainly didn’t ask them to move in with you.

Telltale signs of this particular hook up: sleeping until well past midday, asking to use your shower and God Forbid, even eating your food.

If all else fails send a flatmate in to break the bad news. Alternatively, feel free to turn the lock when they stumble out to look for the toilet. If they can’t get back in, they’ll have no choice but to leave.

Never overstay your welcome.

The ‘let’s just spoon’

Well and truly friendzoned

It’s been a long night, and all you want to do is crawl into bed and spoon your Broomhill Friery carton.

But what to do with the guy who escorted you home? Those three words which break hearts from Endcliffe to Crookesmoor: “Let’s just spoon.”

On the plus side you’ve avoided the hungover shame and awkward encounters in the SU the week after, and instead had a fairly comfortable night’s sleep.

The close shave

This has got to be the low point of one-night stands, and as far as one-night stands go, that’s saying something.

Your potential suitor looks at you properly in the clear light of the takeaway, moments later they realise the carbs have kicked in and the beer goggles have worn off. They make a hasty exit.

Is there anything more soul destroying?

Better luck next time.

The more than just a one night stand

Stick to the rules

There’s always one person that fearlessly tries to break the iron contract of a one-night stand with relentless texts, constant cringey snapchats and drunk phonecalls. It’s one night. No further contact. Job done.

This is the one you’d never seen around campus before, but has now decided to pop up everywhere. Be prepared to bump into them in the IC, Coffee Revs, and in the line for John’s Van.

The one night stand that just doesn’t want to be forgotten.