The 5 woeful stages of the exam period

Being a psychology student (don’t laugh), I am familiar with the Kubler-Ross model of grief but the question is, are you? Let me tell you – the model consists of 5 stages that are experienced when grieving. A bit morbid I know, but in my state of revision induced boredom, I realised that these stages are not unlike the ones we go through during the exam period. 

Throughout this time, it feels like you are in mourning – for your social life, your freedom, your sanity. I wrote down every thought that went through my head when faced with the dreaded exams, and I present them here for your personal viewing pleasure.

First years, you may think that you are experiencing this, but you’re not. Stop your revision right now and go YOLO in The Edge. After all, first year doesn’t count you lucky buggers.

Stage 1 – Denial

It’s a month before exams and I’m as unprepared as Sochi was for the Winter Olympics. The sense of impending doom is strong, and it just won’t go away.

But hang on, a month is 4 (and a bit) weeks right? Plenty of time to do the reading and to revise for 5 modules, I don’t actually have that much to do. In fact, I could probably get it all done in 3 weeks! I’ll be absolutely fine, and still have time to get absolutely sloshed at pop tarts every weekend. Right?

Like an Egyptian with wet feet, she’s in denial.

Stage 2 – Anger

Ok, I was in denial. I have loads of bloody work to do and not enough bloody time. Why am I such a lazy shit? I could have done all of this reading bloody months ago.

But no, I wasted the semester reading about Coleen bloody Rooney’s post baby bikini body on the Daily Mail. That won’t help me to pass my bloody shitty degree. BLOODY HELL.

Megan got so angry she died and came back again.

Stage 3 – Bargaining

I promise I won’t go out at all next year, I will spend my every waking hour sat in the IC pretending to be the model student that I’m not. I’ll do literally anything to buy more time; take my laptop, my phone, my revs card, my dignity, anything to avoid this hell.

I promise I’ll change, next time will be different! Never again will I put myself in this catastrophic situation, I have learned my lesson once and for all.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

Stage 4 – Depression

Nothing can save me now. Too much time has passed, too much vodka has been drunk, not enough work has been done. No point in even trying now. Just going to curl up here with my chocolate and cry silent tears of regret. Time to go and drown my sorrows in Basement, this is a sadness that only a five pound round can cure.

What am I even doing with my life?

Stage 5 – Acceptance

Right, time to pull myself together. The exam is in a few days and I’m stupid and full of regret and still no further along on my revision journey. My past self really must have hated my future self to have created this sorry state of affairs.

But I can’t do anything about it, failure is now inevitable so all I can do is soldier on. Everything will be ok in the end though, I always have my good old, fun-filled minimum wage job to fall back on when I do fail.

OH GOD. Anyone for corp?

Happy to help, unhappy to be here.