Which 2016 American presidential candidate is your halls?
Sorry if you’re Trump
Two incredibly important elections are happening right now. One will change the political landscape of a powerhouse capable of destroying the world in minutes, and one involves Donald Trump. But if you were to link them, how would that work out?
Albion House – Martin O’Malley
I bet you didn’t know Albion House was accommodation legitimately offered at Nottingham. Just like I bet you didn’t know there was a third candidate running for the Democratic nomination for president. It was Martin O’Malley, the former governor of Maryland.
Albion House is located in the dark and murky depths of inner-town Beeston – and the number of people who would place it as their first choice of accommodation equals the number of people who thought O’Malley had any actual shot at becoming president: 0.
Sutton Bonnington – Mike Huckabee
No Nottingham student can be 100% sure that Sutton Bonnington genuinely exists, just like no Republican can be 100% sure why Mike Huckabee thought it was a good idea to run for president. Both are the Felicias of their respective fields.
Newark – Carly Fiorina
These two can be connected along the lines of business. Newark is full of business students who sacrificed having worthwhile social lives in favour of living on the same campus their degree is hosted on, whilst Carly Fiorina is a former business executive and CEO of Hewitt Packard.
Just as any Jubilee hall is irrelevant to anything genuinely worthwhile or atmospheric happening at the University of Nottingham, Fiorina was largely irrelevant to the 2016 Republican race for the presidency; finishing a not awful, but still irrelevant, 7th place.
Nightingale – Ben Carson
Ben Carson always looks asleep. Sleep … Night … Nightingale? I don’t know.
Cripps – Jeb Bush
Cripps is officially Nottingham’s poshest halls on campus, with The Tab previously revealing that 34.2% of its residents attended private school. Private school equates to money. You know what else equates to money? Jeb Bush. Destined to always live in the shadow of his father and brother, Jeb spent a whopping $130million on his failed bid for the White House.
Cripps students can probably sympathise with Jeb here in terms of family relations – what with them being the offspring of the UK’s successful lawyers, bankers, accountants, etc. Residents of Cripps should take solace in the fact that Jeb Bush can be a great role model in terms of failing to live up to your family’s expectations.
Hugh Stewart – Marco Rubio
Hugh Stewart has the reputation of being a daddy’s princess kinda hall. With the majority of its residents hailing from the home counties, those who live at Hugh Stew can put down the revision knowing that Papa can always sort them a law internship over summer, or a job with KPMG after graduation.
Florida Senator Marco Rubio likewise knows what it’s like to get help to the top. In a desperate last ditch attempt to stop the Trump train’s direct path to the nomination, the Republican National Committee have rallied round the more moderate Rubio in order to prevent themselves being faced with the indignation of making Donald John Trump the next president of the United States of America.
Florence Boot – Bernie Sanders
It’s very rare you will find a Flo Bo student you don’t like. Located on the outskirts of campus and tiny in size, nobody expects big things from Florence Boot – but overall it’s a great hall with a big heart. You know who else fits these characteristics? Bernie Sanders.
As the rank outsider in the Democratic race for president, nobody expected Berns to challenge Hillary Clinton as much as he has. Spouting liberal left-wing love in every speech, Bernie has shaken up the Democrat political scene for good. Even if you disagree with his politics, you cannot deny that there’s something you just gotta love about Bernie Sanders.
Broadgate Park – Hillary Clinton
Broadgate is the biggest halls in Europe. Hillary Clinton is the biggest political powerhouse in this race; as the First Lady turned Senator, turned Secretary of State, turned 2016 presidential race front-runner. Sure she’s faced more resistance than most expected, but the Clinton name and the Hillary pizazz will likely see her over the line come November 8th.
Cavendish – Ted Cruz
Both this hall and this candidate know how to shut stuff down. Cavendish shut down the entire Week One programme during 2014 Freshers after their infamous necrophiliac chant. Ted Cruz shutdown the entire United States federal government in 2013 because of his disgust at Obama’s desire to give the American people affordable healthcare. Classic Ted.
Rutland – Donald Trump
Rutland is hated. Donald Trump is hated. These two go together in a match made in execrated heaven. Rutland remains the butt of every fresher’s week joke, whilst Trump remains the biggest joke to have ever existed in the history of politics.
But members of Rutland, do not fear: there is one small silver lining to being lumped alongside this toupee-touting racist. When we graduate, which halls will the rest of Nottingham remember? We won’t remember the Ancasters, the Lentons or the Sherwoods of campus: we will remember Rutland and all its horrors. Just like, for better or worse (but most definitely worse), Donald Trump will be remembered in the course of American politics for shaking up the establishment forever.