Which hall is the poshest?

Our uni attracts a huge variety of students but with a nationwide rep of being stuck up its time to decide where to point the finger.

Which hall of posh, rich narcissists can we blame?

Rutland

Right down at the bottom, as ever, is Rutland. This lot don’t want to be posh, they’re proud to be a Rutland Ranger despite everyone else hating them.

They’re partiers, travelling to Dam (Amsterdam, to the posh) in the summer for bare fun and having actual competitions to get laid.

Any social going you can find a wonderfully trashy Rutlander in a pile of sick.

Sherwood

Sherwood, Rutland’s slightly posher brother, boasting a pointer tower and not a lot else, it’s too closely related to Rutland to be considered posh.

Part of the prison-like eyesore at the bottom of the downs, this lot get buried under Rutland shame. Not posh and not exciting.

Derby

The Derby Army, like the Trent Army, leave a lot to be desired in the posh stakes.

It’s questionable how some of this lot made it into the elite crowd of UoN. However they did it, they maintain their positon by sleeping with the posher guys.

Bragging about how ‘partayyy’ Derby is by telling us how many people you can hear having sex every night doesn’t make us like you. Stay classy Derby.

Raleigh Park/SPC

Out in the middle of nowhere these guys aren’t posh enough or cool enough for BGP.

The blocks here look like council flats and we’re guessing that’s where the residents of RP and SPC will be in 5 years’ time.

St Peter’s is out in the Radford ghetto hence the need for the special bus for the princesses, but if they were posh when they came, a week in the ghetto of Nottingham turns anyone into Tupac.

Raleigh is in the comparatively desirable Lenton. They boast “tits, fanny and nurses” or so the chants go. We imagine they drink Lidl vodka at £7 a bottle, or whatever commoners do.

Cavendish

Once upon a time, Cavendish was posh, full to the brim with pretty girls who like horses and Jack Wills and boys who prefer rugby to football.

One necrophilia scandal down, and they’re like 1D without Zayn, with only former glory to boast of.

Ancaster

Fighting dirty, Ancaster is a rising star, after its partner Cav appeared in the Daily Mail, aligning itself with the Geordie Shore crew.

Still, down in the shite end of campus they clearly couldn’t even afford the like of Lenton and Wortley and can’t keep up with the antics of Derby, run of the mill and dull.

Broadgate Park

Posh in a cool, new balance trainers and on point duster coat kinda way, BGP hides its commoners under their elite.

Nonetheless, they live in Beeston if we’re honest, the actual arsehole of Nottingham.

But it’s the biggest accommodation in Europe, don’t you know?!

Think Bowery Club, expensive but dirty.

Willoughby

Down in the pits with Ancaster and Cavendish, it’s hardly posh.

Traditional posh, all southern and went to a Grammar School in Kent. Surnames like Smith, White or doubled barrelled, they’re established. 

In a “OMG, I’m not rich!” kinda way, they’re posh for the UK but not for UoN.

Lincoln

Mummy’s boys and Daddy’s girls. At uni because they really don’t know what else to do and they’re above actual work.

Slightly out of their depth, Nick Clegg types who work hard for the 40% pass and try not to disappoint Daddy too much so he doesn’t cut their allowance.

While it looks sort of nice from the outside, and they have their own library, it’s still as crap inside.

The Lincoln crowd is the kind that’ll tell you “it’s who you know, not what you know.”

Sutton Bonington

Undeniably posh despite being mainly irrelevant to everyone but themselves.

The SB guys may play polo, have a holiday home in France and drink prosecco on a night out, but the reality is they stick their hand inside a cow for a living.

And they’re boring. And they live in Loughborough.

But yeah they’re posh farmers with home county accents.

Newark/Southwell

With the residents of Newark and Southwell you get the vague impression that their Dad is a rich Russian oil baron or a supervillain.

These guys are the type that wear heels to Oceana and prefer Coco Tang to a night in Ocean.

Only the English students who made a mistake on their application and ended up here knock this hall out of the top.

Nightingale

Pretty self-righteous even for Notts, Nightingale’s full of smug, posh twats who think they’re special because Daddy is CEO.

Power hungry and probably dangerous if they studied something other than Theology, American Studies and English.

Sadly they all seem happy which only makes them less likeable, thankfully they’re quiet and so we don’t hate them too much.

Florence Boot

Our beloved Flo Bo houses dramatic artsy types who only wish they were posh enough to live in Hugh Stu.

Like the Queen’s corgi’s they’re cute and stuck up posh, they prance across campus and lounge on the green while the rest of us watch in bemusement.

But it is basically in Beeston, which is why they don’t make top 3.

Lenton and Wortley 

A bit of a dark horse because it looks like a shithole but these guys strive to the greatness of BNOCs, and slowly they’re succeeding.

The rah types who play rugby, ski at Easter and go to Dubai in the summer.

They are unlikely to integrate with the rest of us because they come to uni with all their BFFs from prep school.

Cambridge rejects who chose Lenton and Wortley because the dining hall is “beaut”.

Cripps

GAP YAH. Artsy posh boys who are actually likely to ask “how much were your school fees?”

Nouveau rich types that went to private school (obvs) and live close enough to the health centre to believe that Matron still exists.

The ivy on the building lets them believe it looks like an Ivy League school in America, and the private library lets them avoid the peasants in Hallward.

They think they’re Jack Whitehall and love a loafer.

No one actually cares that you can get to a lecture in 5 minutes, the food is still shit.

Hugh Stewart

Elusive, ostentatiously posh and actually really quite nice.

Hugh Stew is the landed gentry of UoN.

They know they’re posh, we know they’re posh; they know they’re the best, we know they’re wankers.

Ultimately they’re only as posh and rich as Cripps, but Daddy owns land and Grandad has a title. And they are infinitely more like to make you smash a bottle over your head for the lols.

These guys are the twats in shirt and tie at crisis, because they are only like the rest of us really!