Invasion of the blood suckers: Mosquito threat creates panic in Notts

Run for the hills! Thousands of thirsty mosquitoes are coming to the East Midlands


Nottingham is bracing itself for a colossal surge in MALARIA after habitat changes have caused hundreds of thousands of massive MOSQUITOES to migrate to the East Midlands.

Because of the boiling temperatures and an increased number of rainwater recycling containers, Nottingham has become the perfect destination for the disgusting creatures, which can grow to a whopping 1.5 inches in certain parts of the globe.

The insect invasion has struck fear into the hearts of the city’s residents and students, with Trent professor Dr Chris Terrell-Niel calling the potential infestation a “concern.”

An artist's impression of the swarm

An artist’s impression of the swarm

Mosquitoes thrive in the hot weather and the growing number of rainwater containers in the East Midlands has made the mozzies more rampant and thirsty for student flesh.

Water butts provide the perfect habitat for the disease-ridden bugs of hell, so they will be able to reproduce and grow at remarkable speeds.

As science and film has shown, once they outgrow these garden habitats they will turn to innocent young do-gooders like ourselves in order to sustain their colonies and fuel their blood addiction.

Nowhere is safe

Nowhere is safe

The Tab’s biological correspondent Justin Guthrie said: “The dangerous thing with mosquitoes is that once they settle, there’s no effective way of getting rid of them.

“There have been whole villages evacuated in South America because of infestations, so I can only pray that doesn’t happen here.”

Fearful fresher Rich Exelby said: “I hate the bloody things, there’s nothing worse than lying in bed with red rashes all over my body. If I could, I’d fucking burn the lot of them.”

Tom Jenkin said: “I can’t stand those blood sucking little shits. First it was ticks, now it’s them mozzies. Somebody stop them!”

What do you think? Are mosquitoes going to ruin the summer? Is there any chance of getting extenuating circumstances in your exams? Let us know in the comments section.