This Shit Just Got Real Estate

Fact: househunting is shit. It makes you hate your friends, beg for a lottery win and inhale a ludicrous amount of mould. Here are some classic phrases to expect during the househunting season.


As much as you hate to admit it, as a Nottingham Student you will say some cliched phrases in your time; such classics include ‘Taking a dip in the Ocean!’, ‘Portland Hill is a bitch’ and ‘Can I borrow a quid for the 34?’

Come January each year there is special range of shit students say that revolves around one topic: house-hunting.

Over the next few weeks (or months if you’re one of those risk takers who buy late to get “the best deal”) you’ll catch these moans and groans from everyone and anyone, most likely from yourself.

1. ‘Ooh, sexy bed covers. We should look at this one.’

So comfy looking...

So comfy looking…

Looking at real estate photos will alter your judgement of a perfectly good house in two ways; if the person has a nice posters in their room/bunting in the lounge/a pretty knife block from Ikea in the kitchen you automatically rate the house higher.

If the person hasn’t made their bed in the photo, you ain’t looking at that shit.

2. ‘Is it bills included?’

Wait, that can't be right...

Wait, that can’t be right…

What is maths.

What is maths.

The world outside of halls is a weird in-between phase where you have to think of adult things like bills but can still look for any loops holes that mean someone else will sort it out for you.

Good luck finding an all inclusive house for less than £90 p/w by the way.

3. ‘Where the hell is Gregory Street?’

map

Google maps will become your new best friend

You’ve found the perfect house, it’s got bunting in the kitchen and nice furniture but you haven’t a clue where it is.

When looking on Google maps  your eyes are immediately looking for the main vein of Lenton, Derby Road. 1 mile from Sainsburys Local? Forget it.

4. ‘This one looks good – oh wait it’s in Beeston, fuck that.’

Home of many charity shops and creepy statues.

Home of many charity shops and creepy statues.

There’s probably nothing wrong with Beeston, but don’t live there.

Thanks, but no thanks Beeston.

5. ‘Holy Mother of God, THERE’S A DISHWASHER!?’

The triple threat appliances.

The triple threat appliances.

Student house-hunting is the only case where getting hysterically excited over everyday amenities is acceptable.

6. ‘Let’s look at Student Cribs for a laugh, they can’t be THAT expensive can they?’

LUSH.

LUSH.

You never know, they might have a January sale or some shit.

7. ‘We should buy a lottery ticket.’

Purse strings are non-existent

Purse strings are non-existent

Its happened, you’ve fallen in love with a penthouse apartment with an indoor swimming pool, revolving bookcase and a butler called Smythe.

You’ve hit real estate relapse where you just keep clicking on these gorgeous houses that you know your loan will not stretch to…but LOOK HOW PRETTY!

8. ‘Unipol has crashed again.’

Growing to hate that little rotating 'U'

Growing to hate that little rotating ‘U’

Ever since its launch on January 20th, this site has become both your best friend and your arch enemy.

It will probably crash right as you’re trying to get a landlord’s number to reserve a house and start working again after some bastard beat you to the punch.

9. ‘No photos? Probably a cave.’

That's cool, I didn't want to see it anyway.

That’s cool, I didn’t want to see it anyway.

You’ve found a pretty sweet deal, in a good location and some of your mates already live on this street, but if there are no photos of the property on the website.

You instantly envisage a dingy hell hole that only Golem would feel at home in. NO VIEWING.

10. ‘They kind of all look the same…’

Spot the Difference: Lenton Street edition

Spot the Difference: Lenton Street edition

The sad truth is apart from a small hand-full of gems, most student properties in Lenton are just lots of identical terraced twins.

If you find one that doesn’t have mould, isn’t ludicrously expensive and comes with basic facilities you’re probably on the right track.