How NOT to do: Grad Ball

“A memorable and enjoying experience” – Well, you’re half right… Here’s what to avoid from someone who’s been there


It’s the final blowout to your uni life. Three whole years. The most important and enjoyable three years of your life, all gone. Not that you intend to act like it, but you’re generally considered an adult once you’ve left.

But we’ve still got the Grad Ball. The last night to see everyone you’ve made friends (or enemies) with, and for some, the last opportunity to capitalise on the sexual hive that is uni.

Last year though, had to be the most memorable night of uni, and all for the wrong reasons. To that end, here’s five things to avoid at Grad Ball:

Lunging in a Suit

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Don’t think it’s a good idea to pose at pre-drinks by lunging about in your suit. You’ll do it, you’ll hear that rip, and spend the rest of your night with your tackle on the brink of popping out. That is, unless you can get your hands on some clear nail vanish. Trust me, as a glue it works a charm.

Underestimate Pimm’s

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It’s raining outside, completely rammed inside the house and the marquee is sweating. So you stand outside under the waterproof tree next to the Pimm’s tent, sinking eight jugs between three of you. Just because it tastes like lemonade, it doesn’t mean it’s a great idea.

However, the Pimm’s tent will give you a vantage point from which to laugh at those running from the toilets back to the marquee. Especially embarrassing for them when a choice piece of loo roll is hanging off their high heels.

Don’t let wine turn your housemate into Usain Bolt

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Once you’ve decided to enter the marquee, and when you’re finally bored of heckling Amelia Lily, don’t think reverting to wine is a good idea. It could get your housemate so pissed, he decides to leg it out of the marquee and down the road.

Avoid falling into taxis

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Once said housemate has discovered wine was a bad choice, make sure you catch up with him before he gets anywhere near a taxi.

Should he fall into one, make sure this taxi has not had a recent run-in with a concrete bollard. The cabbie will accuse you of causing damage that only King Kong could manage. When you contest this, he will decide either to hit you or call the police, and you’ll end the night in a police car trying to explain your friend’s actions while he rids himself of the wine and Pimm’s concoction out of the meat wagon’s window.

Later, the cabbie will again try and fuck you over, with an extortionate bill for damage you didn’t cause. You have been warned.

Make sure your female housemates have eaten

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A lot of preparation goes into grad ball, especially for the ladies. But when you’re sorting your dress and hair and make-up, don’t think that two paracetamol constitutes a day’s eating. Your other housemates will end up spending two hours holding you up while you retch over the sink. When you pass out, the security will offer zero help while you won’t respond to any amount of slapping or shouting of your name.

If you see this occurring, don’t be a wanker and start flicking her head, offer a helping hand by clearing the way.