Fresher left without cheese as Norfolk Terrace dairy thefts continue

Charlotte Smith. Young, vibrant, height a little below average. The latest victim in what students are calling the most disturbing series of events since the Chuckle Brothers’ collaboration with Tinchy Stryder.

The 20-year-old first year English Literature student and self-proclaimed Star Wars fanatic was left feeling like Obi-Wan Keno-Cheese this Halloween after finding that her cheddar had been stolen as she was halfway through making a lasagne.

She said: “I was saving it for something or someone special.”

Describing her ordeal, she said: “I went through the classic symptoms of trauma. At first I was shocked to paralysis. Then I started to enter a stage of denial, unpacking the fridge several times to check I hadn’t missed it.

“After that I started to blame myself, as any mother would do if they lost their child.”

Charlotte has checked the fridge consistently each day to check if her halloumi is still there.

She added: “This ratchet bitch that’s taken my cheese is really grating on my nerves, but I’m going to be extra mature about it and not point any fingers.”

But what about the lasagne?

Charlotte explains: “After I was found in an emotional wreckage, a kind flatmate salvaged my lasagne by donating some cheddar to my cause.”

Tom Armitstead, recent milk theft victim, said: “I strongly urge you all in this dark time to hide your Babybels, disappear your cheese-strings and lock away your milk. In this time of war, no dairy product is safe.”

Since his story was told, the avid rower has received many heart-warming messages of compassion and condolence from the public.