Norfolk Terrace plagued by mystery milk thief

One victim tells his story

Crime dairy food milk my story pain thief

We’ve all been there – stumbling out of bed and crawling to the kitchen 10 minutes before your 9am. You open the fridge and remember you used the last of your milk in last night’s game of ring of fire. So you do what any humanoid would do and borrow a little bit of some else’s for your brew and tell them you owe them a dribble.

But for Tom Arminstead, first year PPE student, waking up to no milk is a regular occurrence – but he hasn’t been drinking it.

He says: “The first time it happened I didn’t think much of it. But after a few times of finding my milk resources drained I had to speak out.”

Lost in the refrigerated chasm of dissapointement

Do you have any suspicions as to who the cereal offender could be?

“Well I considered Aliens because I didn’t believe anyone could be so unkind, but then I remembered they don’t exist. So it must be someone in this flat.”

What tactics have you tried to prevent the milk thievery?

“I tried drawing lines on my milk bottle over the level that I last saw it at, just to show him that I am onto him and maybe repel his dishonesty.”

Udderly disgraceful

“I am the main victim, but others in the flat have been victim to a similar crime.

“My flatmate, last week, was devastated to find one fifth of his ginger ale was missing. I mean, what was he supposed to mix his vodka with? Pesto? I can only assume it’s the work of the same evil genius.”

Shreddies as dry as his sex life

“This is just the kind of thing you hear about on TV, but you never really think it’s ever going to happen to you.”

The amateur rowing team member bravely admitted to having disturbing night terrors, involving him chasing a giant milk carton around the Norfolk Broads, only to find it cut open and drained in a ditch. When he tries to scream he finds his mouth is full of dry Weetabix.

Why me?

He said: “I feel emotionally numb. My friends say I look and sound weaker and apparently a girl asked me for my number in the LCR on Saturday and I just replied ‘No sorry, I don’t have any milk today’ so it’s quite obviously affecting my memory too.”

Incriminating evidence was found in a flatmate’s (and supposed friend’s) room. White stains on his bed sheets surrounded by tissues (he was obviously attempting to erase the evidence).

Don’t have a cow man

Though, the charges were dropped after the individual (who has requested anonymity) protested his innocence.

The search is still on for the notorious milk thief of Norfolk Terrace block B. We hope you were as moo-ved as I was from hearing his tale of sorrow and deceit.

Why?

If you have any information on the whereabouts of this ruffian or have experienced anything similar in recent weeks email us at [email protected]