Rita Skeeter reveals Ron Weasley’s dastardly UEA election campaign!

This piece was originally pitched to The Daily Prophet by Ms Skeeter, but they kindly thought that their Muggle equivalent would like to have it. 

Some wizards are born to greatness. Others have greatness thrust upon them. Others, like notorious ex-Auror Ronald Bilius Weasley will do anything they can for a last gasp at power. Including, The Tab can EXCLUSIVELY reveal, running in an election race at a sort-of-Muggle school for grown ups (called a University).

Rita Skeeter visits UEA!

We catch Ronald, best known for cruelly stealing Harry Potter’s girlfriend Hermione Granger after his brave defeat of You-Know-Who, practising a Confundus Charm on Joe Levell, an unsuspecting Muggle, at the University of East Anglia.

 Ron craftily CONFUNDS Finance Officer Joe Levell! (The Tab’s photoshoot budget got spent by the Fashion gals, sorry.)

‘I’m not doing anything wrong!’ he says, furtively, ‘They let someone called Ron run in the elections every year. It’s a sort of weird Muggle tradition. I just want it to be me this time.’ He blushes a deep, unattractive scarlet. ‘My wife has a new job as an undercover Magical Law Enforcement officer in the Golden Triangle and, you know, times are hard.’ His victim Levell mumbles dazedly about a ‘burger van’. It is clear Ronald’s charm hasn’t worked as well as he hoped.

Poor Joe Levell was left dazed on the floor moaning about burgers.

Ah yes, his wife. The femme fatale Hermione Weasley has been breaking hearts since her second year of Hogwarts, when she snared Bulgarian Quidditch player Viktor Krum at the tender age of 12. I ask Ron if he can confirm the rumours that she has caused an irreparable rift between himself and Harry Potter. His language is colourful. ‘We’re meeting them tonight to discuss my election tactics! There’s a wizarding pub on Unthank Road, in between the café and the florist. I just need to figure out what to do with him.’ He jerks his finger at Levell.

Rita did her best to stop Ron- but to no avail.

The election is hotly run every year by ugly Muggle students who aren’t pretty or talented enough to do anything interesting with their lives. ‘I first heard about it from the Quidditch team. The Nifflers. I’ve been going to their practices under Harry’s Invisibility Cloak. I got dead excited- you know, with the Chudley Cannons being disbanded because of that horrible accident at Barnsley- thought I might support a new team. Turns out they can’t even fly. I tried bewitching the brooms, but the charm hit  one of the Foot Ball players on the other side of the field instead. Flew right into the air he did. Cried like a baby. Think he might have wet himself.’

What position is he running for? ‘I wanted to go for Muggle Prime Minister- I mean, that shiny forehead bloke on the vellytision makes it look so easy- but I think they’ve taken it off the election this time. So I’m just going for the rest- students here can vote for me to take on any position.’

 Ron has evidently put much thought into his poster campaign.

And what will he do, if he wins? He’s achieved nothing of note since leaving Hogwarts in a blaze of glory that he was by no means responsible for. ‘I thought, you know, I could use the job to help my Dad out. You won’t BELIEVE some of the objects here. They’ve got this weird machine called a tomputor, it lets you send letters quicker than an owl. AND there’s a flock of Thestrals by the lake- Hagrid would love to come visit.’

Ron takes his place amongst the banners.

Levell, who is extraordinarily handsome as far as Muggles go, is still on the floor moaning croakily about ‘democracy’ and ‘Union Council’. ‘I think it’s some kind of Muggle Wizengamot. I asked a few students here and they ran away from me. One girl even burst into tears. Maybe they flog them there. I dunno. I’ll get the Weird Sisters to play in their Great Hall too.’ He looks uncomfortably down at Levell. ‘I’ll get this bloke a burger too. I think he likes them. I feel pretty bad.’

He doesn’t thank me before he Apparates off- though I take his cursory ‘You were less annoying when you were a flipping beetle’ as a compliment, and I rush off to pull a hair off the head of Victoria Finan, a distinctly plain and sub-par Muggle journalist whom I shall be posing as to cover the elections. This will be an extremely grim tasting Polyjuice Potion.

All Harry Potter characters are the property of JK Rowling. As told by Rita Skeeter to Victoria Finan. You can vote RON in any of the elections from this morning!