Everything you need to know about the UCL Men’s Rugby players this Varsity season

Varsity is this week and its a big one. We’re going through the teams and introducing them so you know exactly who is responsible for thrashing Kings at the next game.

Next up, this year’s Men’s Rugby team.

Brandon Chau

Height: 6’3

First-year Brandon: what a man. Never one to miss a social, Brandon built a reputation as a distinguished Klubman. Then, like many before him, he became lovestruck. His partner, freshly unshackled from the crushing Covid restrictions of Boris Johnson, was re-acquainted with our beloved front-rower, and with this, Brandon’s social attendance plummeted.

A regular first-team player, Brandon’s missus’ European influence can be seen in Brandon’s 1’s attire, consisting of a film-noir detective coat that is oh-so revered in the Klub. Watch out for this man’s work-rate and abrasive physicality – the Poly won’t know what hit them.

Theo Moreland

Height: 6’3

Some say that Theo is actually one of Boris Johnson’s illegitimate children and the resemblance is more than uncanny. Similar to other members of the Klub, what he leaves to be desired from a social point of view he more than makes up for on the pitch and I might even say that he beats our the ‘YMCA’ Ajibade for best rig at UCLMRFC. I wish we could write more, but that’s all we’ve got on the lad.

Simon Clech

Height: 6’2

This “new kid on the block” took the Klub by storm, becoming the talk of the Kommittee group chats after his performances at training, way back in October. Since then, Simon has offered many-a-Wednesday of his busy post grad schedule to roll over various teams in the Southeast – a superb use of his time. Despite an adonis frame, this man finds himself in the front row after taking matters into his own hands and stepping into the scrum on his own accord.

Cormac Oliver

Height: 6’6

Refreshingly, Cormac has thrown himself into all aspects of Klub life. Never one to miss a social, he has developed a reputation as a reliable Klubman. It would be ignorant to attribute his lack of words to a lack of character. The reason lies much deeper. A scare in Magaluf has led Cormac to understand the nuances of fatherhood, no doubt grounding him entirely. The Klub has warmed to this gentle giant and his many talents.

Alex Smith

Height: 6’7

With his brother, Sam Smith, the singer-songwriter, currently out, the burden of the second row has fallen to his younger, much smaller and less funny brother. Yet with long golden locks we can’t say he’s not beautiful, one may even be tempted to compare this young buck to Thor. Unfortunately for us, any athletic- or character-related comparisons end there. 

Honestly, I’d love to caveat this with the “oh mate, do you remember how good he was at social”, however, having chunned on almost all the seniors in his first week he has since kept a low profile, instead opting to brood and occasionally mention his new girlfriend – the one. Despite this, I can’t deny that he will inevitably carve out some holes in a Kings defence that is in all likelihood more loose than him. 

Will Gurney

Height: 6’4

Famously the first pick of the entire family Klub draft, Gurney got off to a flying start within UCL Men’s Rugby. A well-spoken, polite man, Will is a bog-standard rugby-loving bloke. Although we don’t see Will much at socials anymore, his father Emil has promised us that he is a “top bloke” and a “future England player”. We’ll be the judge. Look out for the lank-fest as he looks to chop some Poly ankles and link-up with his Captain (and school mate) to reinstate Etonian supremacy.

7. Emil “the camera quality shafts the fade” Ali (vc)

Height: 5’11

After gaining a reputation as the bloke with the worst chat in the Klub as a fresher, Emil has worked tirelessly to retain this title this year. Those on his private story (and I really feel bad for you) will know all too well of how bad it gets particularly when “he’s in a mood to cause havoc”.

In spite of all this, Emil somehow attained the position of VP, and, potentially more impressively, has a girlfriend (poor lady). The club was delighted when Emil had his permission slip signed and was allowed to make his weekly trip out with the boys to play in the big game. Emil will no doubt reinvigorate his relationship with the Poly, aiming to instigate another fight (pictures of which will no doubt be plastered all over his social media come Friday afternoon).

Louis Hayes

Height – 6ft 2

Louis is a truly very good rugby player. He was recently gutted to find out that he will be vice-captain next year, as the people’s champion and all-round popular stud Max Proietti will replace Harrison Hampshire as captain – bad luck Mr Hayes. Our Welsh stallion has Rougemen on his mind and the Poly should be very careful around this not-so-gentle giant.

Ben Jones

Height: 6’0

Ben has come a long way from almost quitting rugby to join lacrosse and while his chat, or lack thereof, suggest he would have thrived in that environment we are delighted that he stayed. What his chat and chopping prowess leave to be desired, his rugby talent (kind of) makes up for. After being thrown into a permanent starting role thanks to El Pres’ career-ending injury, Ben and his Harry Hill lid have thrived, although we all know he much rather enjoys the 2’s.

Archie Morris

Height: 5’9 (without insoles)

Where do we even begin. It is a wonder that our Scotsman has found himself in this team, given the fact that he has been to one training session – all year. Archie has made a name for himself within the UCL community and beyond as quite frankly one of the worst blokes around.

From court proceedings with UCL accommodation, to altercations with football on the Loop dance floor, Archie has approached his university experience with an open mind, unkeen to follow the well-trodden path. A notorious ladies-man, his run-ins with various women make his love life almost impossible to follow – we think he is seeing a Poly lady now?!? Keep an eye out for our number 10 as he does all he can to get under the Rougemen’s skin.

Jack Breen

Height: 5’11

Our fleet-footed winger has taken the reigns in the S&C department. Driven by his supposed credentials in powerlifting, he has delivered results. A record number of injuries within the 1st and 2nd XV under his stewardship are emblematic of the exceptional effort he has put in. Aside from this, no-neck Jack is often seen standing awkwardly in the corner at a mixed social, as he “has a girlfriend” – by God do we all know.

This lovestruck man, however, has not set aside his love for some social consumption. Although, his hatred for the Poly as an institution mean that he most likely will not be seen sharing a pint with Rougemen post-match. Expect to see this man in tears at the end of the match (not just in celebration of another UC W), but due to the fact he will be playing with an unrecovered broken ankle – that’s not very “science” of you, is it?

Callum Bobath

Height: 5’11 

Callum opts to see his girlfriend frequently and was only recently explaining why it was a necessity to catch the train to Manchester to see her during a night out with his friends in Sheffield. Despite being 20+1 Callum prefers to live as if he is 20 years his senior, enjoying the Marylebone farmers market, discussing the nuances of the middle-class and consuming one alcoholic beverage a week.

On the rare occasion our MOK does come to a social, no cheers goes without a toast to the Queen. Despite his excessive use of Rigbiz quotes as a substitute for personality, should you want a deeper conversation with him be sure to bring up the gym and his stretch marks or the one time he played Leinster. Our only hope is that this match he decides to pass upon making game winning breaks as our limited journey through this year’s BUCS cup will stand as testimony to his team playing ability.

Harrison Hampshire

Height: 6’3

The skipper is a simple man. He lives and breathes the game and there is nothing he desires more than to lead the team to back-to-back Varsity wins. A hugely respected member of the Klub, Harrison has no issues in commanding adequate numbers to training, with one our sessions even having five in attendance!

Thanks to the captain’s stewardship, the team is unbeaten in our league and is well placed to take on the Poly. Harrison has promised that with a UCL win shall come his consumption of a singular beer, ensuring that carnage follows in the midst of the celebrations. Watch out for any altercations with his arch-nemesis, our own fly half.

Ire ‘the YMCA’ Ajibade

Height: 6’3

At 6”3 93kg with an 11 second 100m, Ire has an impressive zero tries on the season. Despite this he straggled his way into the committee as “ambience sec” a role that carries about as much clout as his hometown, Luton.

Despite this we hope, like his club arsenal, that he’ll shake the ropey pre-season form and actually do something on the big day. Although rugby is merely an auxiliary feature of his life (he has bigger fish to fry with BBall), he will no doubt relish any opportunity to smash Kings.

Dan Brewer

Height: 6’2  

Dan is a kind and thoughtful bloke but after a few pints his bladder is notoriously lethal. Some could say the literal mark he left in our past committee’s house was a statement of intent for the 15 shirt his year. Beyond defiling student house flooring, Dan loves medicine, so much so he decided to do second year all over again! One thing we can say is that we are bloody pleased to have his services at fullback for possibly the next 10 years as he continues to revel in his degree. 

Will Millbank

Height: 5ft 11 

Writing this has been difficult. I don’t know Will very well – in fact, I actively try to avoid him. What is certain however, is that he is an objectively bad rugby player. Widely regarded as one of the worst props in the league, and oh what a league it is, Will is simply not trusted to start for varsity.

Will is out to prove that blondes really do have more fun. He might be having more fun, but those around him are most likely having a shit time, because they are with Will, our resident cat food enthusiast.

Jacob Jones

Height: 6’1

A stalwart of the first XV this season, Jacob has been a mainstay of the most village front row in England. With a lid resembling Prince Charming’s and facial hair resembling Freddie Mercury, this man is not your traditional rugby boy.

His ability to separate work and play is admirable, with him often seen blanking seniors in Phineas on a Wednesday night. All in all, he has laid a solid foundation for a distinguished career within this Klub, and will no doubt make measurable impact from the bench.

Noah Kennedy

Height: 6’6

What more could one want from a man? Once a towering presence in the 2’s, Noah’s rise to this squad has been remarkable. What he lacks for in words, he more than makes up for in Red Bull merchandise, with a role no doubt centred around his provision of caffeine on March 17th.

His battle-hardened nature must have been developed from living in potentially the most dysfunctional household in London, with us praying that he is able to maintain a precious night’s sleep before V-day. 

Olaiya Adenji

Height: 6’2

Olaiya is the clubs answer to Dynamo Field, and his finest act was on display this year as he disappeared to focus on his “studies” and magically reappear in time to play varsity. It is incredible that HPE (a course designed exclusively for PPE rejects) has happened to take up so much of his time, when his story shows him out on a number of club nights (but never the social?!).

Tom Hunt

Height 5’0 

A skilled fly half Hunt helped Marlborough College through their most successful school’s rugby campaign to date winning one game and losing the rest.

Upon arriving at UCL Tom, like most of the 2019 intake played for RUMS, with a fierce step the only thing that caught him that year was Covid-19. In fact, we are pretty sure he was patient zero. We are hoping that his time in Bath academy can provide the level of calmness and unquestionable skill to steer us through the closing remarks of what we are sure will be a varsity to remember.

Alex Strong

Height 5 ft 5 

Alex has quickly made an impression since joining the club this year, as he gained the title of fresher’s rep for his impressive treasure hunt performance. Given this success, it has been a challenge for Alex not to get too big for his boots; indeed, such is his arrogance that he has denounced the importance of sleep this year. His father also teaches French (lol). 

Tom Settle

Height: 6’2

Tom has completed a meteoric rise at the club this year to become a regular for the 1s. He is one of the fastest men at the club (and we’re not just talking about on the pitch). He’s also a man who thrives on routine, especially when that routine involves getting with his flatmates – regardless of whether it’s a Wednesday night. Mr Settle’s utter disgust at his rightful treatment as a fresher has not been an impediment to his performance at socials.

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