Meet the UCL Lacrosse lads set to beat Kings this Varsity season

Pretty much a guaranteed win. Come on, it’s Kings


The 2022 London Varsity Series is upon us, and we’re introducing you to the teams set to destroy King’s (again).

Today we’ve got the Men’s Lax team; they won’t know what hit them.

Andy ‘Who?!?!’ Wu

Oh captain, my captain. A Strand poly defector, whose only reason for joining UCL was for a shot at finally winning a varsity series. Lacrosse is this man’s personality trait. With more lacrosse sticks than he has intact ribs, we’re hoping his big bunda deflects some balls into the goal.

Furthermore, Andy’s promised us that upon a varsity win, he will burn that awful sweater that we’ve seen him wear.

Rohan ‘Dangerous Plays’ Desai

This year’s president. After long deliberation, Rohan made the final spot on the Varsity Team. It was a tough decision between choosing him or Sam Hall, but we reckon as long as he “gets stuck in” and goes for “dangerous plays” we’ve made a good choice.

(Rumour has it he’s always the one making dangerous plays at Rios.)

Ryan Ratnam

China have the Great Wall. Germany had the Berlin Wall. We have a fresher who VOLUNTARILY chose to play in goal for no apparent reason.

May we present Ryan Ratnam. He didn’t secure his place on varsity because of his talent, but because he gives us free pitchers. Does he enjoy being keeper? We don’t know, we’ve never asked. I’m sure he’s okay because Hannan “likes Ryan” and says he is a “beautiful boy”. So yeah, congrats on that Ryan.

Suleiman ‘I have to be involved’ Ahmed

We’re just glad that Suleiman’s lacrosse skills exceed that of his pub quiz hosting abilities. He plans to offer Kings his 30 per cent discount at END if they promise not to score, and if all else fails his voice is so loud he can scare them into dropping the ball, just ask Ayush.

Having been here for three years we have seen Suleiman grow into a man. Gone is the boy who’s only personality trait was expensive shoes and drake, now his one true love is hosting pub quizzes.

Philip ‘Mon£y’ Zhang

A deadly force in defense. A man who prefers to do talking with actions rather than words. With the most lethal check in the team, no-one’s stick is safe if you get too close to Philip. Despite his scary exterior we know he is a softie at heart. The new sugar daddy of lacrosse, just donated 10 sticks to the club. Thank god for that considering our financial situation…

Jujhar Bhamy

How is this man not canceled??!!? He’s even made it so far to become the next year’s Men’s President successor. Juj loves cars so much that he’s had “broom” tattooed on his arm. 

With his thick brummy accent, lack of clothing below the knees and love for chunning on Scala stairs, the club will most certainly not be in safe hands next year. If it wasn’t his love of pharmacy, he’d be staring in Four Lions, having mastered the squat run.

Alec ‘Aggressively American’ Mearns

Tennis instructor- Duke Meadows golf and tennis. Vice President- UCL tennis club. Student Ambassador – US Green Building Council. That’s what his LinkedIn says. Do we know anything else about him? No. Is he American? Yes.

Till ‘Falafel’ Schütze

Till likes falafels at 1am. Till is good at lacrosse. Be like Till.

Hannan ‘sit on the floor’ Saleem

Hannan claims to have size 11 feet. That’s funny because he still hasn’t filled Danny’s boots.

Hannan has spent his whole year trying to recreate his brother’s lacrosse club, back when he used to have friends. A few things in life are certain. Death, taxes and Hannan getting rejected by someone in the women’s club.

Rumours have it Andy moved Hannan from midfield to attack because of his vape addiction. This is most certainly true.

Dave ‘I*A’ Quane

The lead actor from Bloomsbury Theatre’s My Land’s Shore, we’re not shore about his acting skills, but we’re shore he’s a massive fan of the Cock Tavern. Catch him there every week – supposedly he has some meetings to attend? Not shore, tho.

His left-leaning political views have influenced him so much to make him one of the finest lefties we have.

Edward Chia-Croft

If you are unfamiliar with Ed the words Exetaaahh would tell you all you need to know about this man.

The only thing more impressive than his handiness with a shaft is his facial hair journey. Being only five-feet-eight, Ed has naturally always looked up to most men in his life, which shows as he has tried to copy the facial hair of many greats from Ambrose Burnside’s mutton chops to Lord Kitchener’s lengthy stache.

But there may be more to this man than just “I went to Exetaaah” as apparently, despite his small stature, Ed is fully equipped to handle some very heavy machinery. With his HGV license, Ed is ready to drive us to our varsity game like in speed. (Just don’t mention that you voted labour as he might not let you on.)

Alex ‘Rosa’ Darnbrough

Oooooh lacrosse friend. Turns out darnbrough knew all of the refs in our games because did you know he “PlaYeD LaCroSse bEfOre Uni?!” Darnbrough is yet to explain why all those refs gave us incredibly favorable calls. Always boasting about how he has mastered ROSA, we hope he masters the King’s defense come varsity.


Calories: 77

Carbs: 0.6 grams

Total fat: 5.3 grams

Saturated fat: 1.6 grams

Monounsaturated fat: 2.0 grams

Cholesterol: 212 mg

Protein: 6.3 grams

Carbs: No

Latisha: Yes

Alex ‘lads holiday’ Major

This man would sell out his own family just for a lad’s holiday.

As a frontline supporter of the recent UCL strike, he didn’t cross the picket line once and instead decided to head off to Budapest for three days. In fact, we’re scared he won’t be at varsity if flights to eastern Europe get any cheaper. His claim to fame is not being the only fresher to score this year, but instead, making every Scala “even reading week.”

Raihan ‘Tinder Swindler’ Ahmed

Watch out for this man. There must be something in the Ahmed genes, as Raihan dominates the pitch in much the same way as he brutally dominates Scala. Having mentioned many times that he’s scoring the winning goal in varsity, it will be interesting to see how he manages this from the bench.

Geoffrey ‘No ethics’ Tang

The pros and cons of geoffrey:

Pros – great husband, PhD sponsored by GSK, built like a truck

Cons – Performs clinical trials on humans without approval

Although in his defence, the product was “non-toxic,” so what’s all the fuss about?

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