UCL’s cringiest rapper set to appear in Big Brother

7:34pm in the Big Brother house – Cristian still can’t rap

national noad

Baby-faced rap sensation Cristian MJC is set to take Big Brother by storm.

The line-up of Big Brother Timebomb was released in the early hours of this morning, and features certified LAD Matthew Clarkson a.k.a. Cristian MJC, a biomedical sciences fresher at UCL.



The nauseating-northerner will propel to even greater BNOC status following the release of his music video in August last year, building upon the fame, girls and money that he no doubt collected as a result of his legendary antics.

The orange-gilet-wearing ladies man claims he’s dated a British soap actress, and the mystery continues as he claims that his occupation is a ‘musician’, despite his debut song Take It Back suggesting otherwise.

Having seen his ability to pull in the music video, we look forward to Cristian using his biomedical knowledge to stir up some chemistry with the females in the house which include hot twins, a law student and a model.

Cristian claims he was a national-level swimmer before he got in with the wrong crowd and “being chased by the police became a game”.

After two days at secondary school he was suspended for three.

Beating down the competition

Beating down the competition

Nevertheless, through finding his release in music he smashed his GCSE’s and A Levels despite the odds stacked against him, which isn’t at all clichéd and actually really inspiring if you think about it.

With odds of 14/1 of Nigel Farage entering the house, Cristian may be able to give some advice on how to win over an audience, and how to increase his sex appeal before the next general election.

The Top 10 non-creepy, grammatically correct and romantic lyrics from Cristian’s debut single ‘Take It Back’ are listed below.

MJC’s wickedest lyrics

“Baby you’re my peach I would never pick a plum”

“Simmer down come on take a sip of rum”

“Who could be sexier than my boo I figure none”

“I remember when we used to ride in the two-seater”

“Going for the whole night until you feel my morning stubble”

“You were so sexy, we were so care free, everything you needed was on me”

“I just keep on following my heart I need to take it back to the start”

“These haters have the thinks that my music lacks”

“It wasn’t up to me it was my Dad and my Mum”

“Baby you were trouble I don’t need another girls only you I want to cuddle”

Big Brother starts this Tuesday