12 things you should have known before uni

You know how annoying it is when people give you great advice when it’s too late? Well, The Tab’s here to do just that.

Uni is that once in a lifetime experience, but here are all the things you wish you’d known and done before you entered The Bubble.

Take a gap year

Wacky foreign barbers…something you’ll never experience if you’ve not gone travelling

That year out you promised yourself after uni really isn’t looking too likely when you’re nearing the end of your third overdraft. Plus, last year was the UK’s driest July for 247 years. It will never be that sunny on these shores again…

Student loans last a week

Totally worth blowing all my cash…just a shame about the vodka

For some reason we all seem to think the “your loan will be deposited into your account tomorrow” text means we’ve won the lottery. However, between buying rounds of drinks for strangers and food from Tesco’s ‘Finest’ range, it won’t be long before your account hits rock bottom again. 

First year really doesn’t count

“I swear I was doing History!”

Anyone who knows where the library is in their first year is doing it wrong. You should aim to scrape 40% and you should only begin to worry about doing this a week before your exams when you realise you’ve forgotten what course you do. 

Dirt becomes part of the furniture

Student houses, they’re the best!

Two weeks into your second year you’ll be horrified to realise how quickly kitchens get filthy, but between nights out and that one lecture you attend a week there really is no time to clean it… 

Clothes shopping will become a distant memory

Thrift shops: every student’s best friend

The high expectations you had of all the great things you could buy with your loan are quickly dashed when you realise fat frogs and quadvods are far more important. 

You’ll never procrastinate more

What do you mean I should be working instead?

Exam time brings a level of insanity nobody can quite comprehend. You’ll find yourself stalking people on Facebook you didn’t even remember existed and you’ll become so obsessed with a new series you’ll start believing the characters are real people.

Don’t bother naming your cheese

Where’s my fucking gouda?

Nobody cares who that sandwich belongs to when they crawl back into halls at 4am, and leaving an angry post-it note on the fridge isn’t going to stop them. 

Student prices just mean shit quality

Looks good, but there’s practically no alcohol in there

Don’t get too excited by the fact your double vodka costs £2 and a beer is 90p, this just means that your “double” is half full and your drink is 60% water. 

The club claiming to be ‘number one for students’ really isn’t

No, I don’t want to come to your new student house night

Freshers’ week consists of being lured into shit venues because you’re scared of the promoters shouting “FREE SHOT” at you.

Everyone knows everyone

Have an embarrassing night out, be prepared for everyone to know about it

Nothing stays a secret, ever. People will probably know at least one person you’ve slept with before you even meet them. And that boy you really want to avoid from freshers’ week? Yeah… he’ll end up living next door.

Your relationship won’t last

Relying on sex toys and phone sex won’t be enough

Long distance relationships suck. There is the odd exception that manages to maintain a healthy relationship from afar, but chances are three months in you’re going to find yourself blind drunk and in the corner of the SU bar with a stranger.

You’ll do anything for a discount

If it’s on offer, it’s definitely a saving so you’ll buy it, along with items you don’t even like just because they’ve been reduced by 60p. And just for the record, a Tesco Meal Deal is NOT a good saving.

You’ve probably realised student life isn’t too dissimilar from being homeless and an alcoholic by now. But hey, it’s great.