UCL: 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

1. CLUB NEON: Mix equal parts of piss and vodka with neon paint in a large bucket. Throw it all over yourself whilst listening to Rihanna on repeat. At some point go outside and attempt to pull an ugly member of the opposite/same sex. Watch as they recoil and feel your self-esteem go down the same toilet you’ll be vomiting into in a few hours. You’ve now experienced ‘LONDON'S BIGGEST STUDENT RAVE’. Pat yourself on the back for being a cunt and cry yourself to sleep.

2. MOODLE: What shall we call it? Moo, Mooo, MOODLE. Interface wise, it feels like it was designed by a child who was given ten grams of crack and a copy of Microsoft Publisher 1995. I’d rather get my reading-lists from a shit stained toilet.

3. UCL MEMES: ‘If you build it they will come’. Unfortunately they are internet-illiterates and over zealous geeks who were bullied as children. A surprisingly unfunny collection of misused memes. This was the Pokémon of UCL student culture.

4. FRESHERS' WEEK: You promised ‘great banter’. You promised an endless amount of sex and friends for life. You promised hilarious stories of funny revelry. In reality, you gave me mild depression, a sick-filled laundry basket and a library fine.

5. PRINT ROOM: Your salads are so good. And your coffee is SO bad.

6. GRADUATING: You have one of the most beautiful quads in London. It is spectacular and awe-inspiring. Choosing to hold it in a conference centre in South London is utterly moronic. You have managed to turn one of the most special moments in a student’s life into a cattle-branding exercise. When your alumni get a call for some money for a new language centre you are building, expect a ‘fuck you’ and a sack full of hate mail.

7. UCL SECURITY: These guys are the epitome of ‘jobsworths’. They wield their power with the enthusiasm of a sergeant major. The only saving grace is that they are actually ignorant of their mandate. Next time they ask you to stop sitting on a railing, ask them childishly, ‘what are you going to do about it?’ Repeat this until they get mad. When they touch you, inform them that you are calling the police. Watch them back track with insincere apologies. Failing that, mention the word ‘sexual assault’ a few times if you REALLY want to watch them squirm.

8. YOUR ADVERTISING: Your glossy brochures promised me hundreds of smiley faces in a charming environment. I got the science library and tube ride full of people eating cheese and onion crisps.

9. PASSWORD RULES: This one is actually scary. Evidently one of the I.T. department was beaten as a child and told that, ‘rules are there for a reason'. I’m putting it out there that one day, someone is going to properly lose it and throw a grenade into a lecture theatre because they had to put an extra full stop into their password.

10. UCLU ELECTIONS: Stop calling me mate, and stop wasting paper. All the candidates have about the same amount of charisma as a boiled potato. I couldn’t give a toss whether you are approachable. You’ve pissed me off so much with your crumby campaign posters that I’d probably smack you in the face if I ever came through your ‘open-door’.