Every disaster you’ll have in your Smithdown House

Smithdown is known for wonderfully cheap student house prices, being in close proximity to almost every other student you know, as well having Asda and the Brookhouse near for convenience. Decent house parties, classic 2am Asda runs and a plethora of takeaways… perfect, right? Wrong. For these handy perks you have to be willing to take on some minor inconveniences. Whether that be a few critters hiding in your house or the ceiling falling in, by the time you leave Smithdown you’ll have been through every house disaster possible.

Leaks

Any passion for water conservation will have to be sacrificed as in Smithdown it’ll often choose where and when it wants to appear. During heavy rain falls your bedroom may no longer be waterproof and when your housemate has a long shower the kitchen ceiling will probably start to appear damp. Make the most out of it, create an indoor water slide, as long as you can ignore the colour of the water.

Mould

You’ll struggle to find a room without mould, but you told yourself you could cover it with fairy lights and photos. When your parents come to visit you position furniture in front of it or direct their eyes towards the prettier side of the room, but you know its there. Think of it as an abstract wallpaper, nobody else will have the same unique patterns.

The toilet that breaks every other week

A house in Smithdown isn’t a house in Smithdown without a dodgy toilet. Your landlord will take a month to get back to you about it and nobody has time for manual flushing. Post-it-notes along the lines of “Do NOT open lid” become an essential to avoid embarrassment. In times of desperation you may be using the loo in Asda regularly.

Small friends and their droppings

Housemate gone home for the weekend or on a night out you just weren’t feeling? Fear not, you won’t be alone. Every Smithdown house comes with potential new friends, you just have to find them. They may be tiny and have six legs or they might be furry and hang out by the bins. Don’t discriminate, they all just want some love. Leave some food out on the floor to get a conversation started.

Shitty neighbours

Paper thin walls enrich the experience of living in close proximity to other humans. Not a fan of the quiet at night time? Good. Your evenings will be filled with sex noises, police sirens, car alarms and the occasional couple arguing. Smithdown won’t ever be known for being peaceful, but it will certainly always be eventful.

Walls and roofs falling apart

The University of Liverpool may be able to get you a degree in Mathematics or Law, but only Smithdown can give you the life experience you need to deal with continuously broken houses. Gone are the days when your parents sort out the things that go wrong and your landlord probably won’t give a fuck, time for your inner Bob the Builder to emerge. Between lectures google “fixing walls for dummies”, get yourself a DIY kit from Asda and your house will be looking better in no time.

Bins

Taking the bins out every week is one of the pains of adult life you’ll have to get used to, along with the arguments over who’s turn in the house it is to take them out this week. The fun adventures that come along with bins include: finding the occasional animal scurrying around them which will result in you having a heart attack, people stealing your bins, and coping with bin juice on your hands… lovely.