“The 699 wouldn’t stop” and every other excuse to miss your last few lectures

“The dog ate my homework” just doesn’t cut it anymore

Whether you’re a dedicated student – are they still a thing? – or one that takes the more laid back approach to uni, some days lectures just need to be given a miss. You might be hungover or you might just be feeling another hours sleep but the same old excuses can get a bit repetitive. This list of original excuses is an essential for anyone forking out £9000 a year not to turn up.

Your housemate has been dumped

Jasmine woke up to a text saying “It’s not you, I’m just not really ready for this” and now needs a lot of consoling. You’re on call with ice cream, chick flicks and tissues. You can’t abandon a girl in such a time of need. Your lecture will wait for you, her grief won’t. Even if you do manage to get into uni you’ll be spammed with texts like “DID HE EVER LOVE ME?” and “Its that girl on his Instagram I knew it was her, she’s so fucking pretty I hate her.” You’ll never be able to concentrate with your phone buzzing every five minutes.

Ran out of underwear

Some of us aren’t organised enough to do a wash weekly or even fortnightly. This can result in underwear supplies running rather low. If you’re not yet confident enough to face the world commando the only alternative is to stay in the safe haven of duvet land. Sitting through a 2 hour lecture feeling weirdly exposed will also strip you of any concentration you possess.

No clean underwear & a room as messy as your life

Your one night stand wouldn’t go home

This is a perfectly realistic excuse but even if you’ve spent the night alone watching Netflix and eating Ben & Jerry’s it’s still valid. Explain to your disappointed looking course mates that your needy one nighter insisted on showering, cuddling and having breakfast. The only way to get them out was to hide your coco pops and turn off the hot water. They didn’t get your number.

The 699 drove straight past, three times

Buses can be unreliable at the best of times but we can all relate to the feeling of waiting in the cold for a bus to your 9am and several driving straight past you. So what if it’s full, surely they could squeeze a few more on? All you can really feel is disappointment when you’ve gone to the effort to get out of bed early, venture into the cold just to face rejection from bus drivers and have to resort to wasting money you don’t have on an uber.

Spilt gin on laptop

A heavy night ends with you dancing around the front room loving everything about life… until you drop your glass of gin and lemonade. No biggie? That’s what you thought, the next morning you discover your laptop is essentially fucked. You’ve lost all your uni work from the last semester, the essay you were 2000 words into and your photos of the ex. What’s the point in going into uni when your life has basically just ended. Go back to bed.

A painful sight

Your tumble dryer caught fire

Smithdown is known for faulty appliances and vermin. If the rats haven’t already chewed your face off in the night go with the classic fire. Your dodgy tumble dryer has overheated, set half the kitchen alight and now you need to spend the day sweeping up ash. You can catch up on the lecture once your house is no longer hypothetically alight.

You fell asleep after pulling an all nighter in the SJ

Sometimes the only answer is an all nighter. The only down side being that they render you absolutely useless the next day. You’ve stayed awake until 8am but making it through the next hour to your 9am just doesn’t seem possible. Heavy eyes and constant yawns lead you straight back to your bed, you deserve it.

You don’t want to ruin your streak

No, not your snapchat streak. You’ve managed to avoid going to lectures for a week straight and feel a strange sense of achievement. Since everything is on vital you’ve decided your cosy Smithdown home is the new campus and a 2:1 can easily be reached from the comfort of your bed. You continue your streak until the attendance email comes through.

You forgot to pay rent and nearly got evicted

Being poor comes with the title of student. You can’t make it to a lecture if you’re on the verge of becoming homeless. Convince your lecturer you’ve spent the day fighting off bailiffs and scrounging pennies to pay the rent. Attending a lecture was the last thing on your mind when your housemates were chaining themselves to the bannisters in protest. We shall not, we shall not be moved.