Envi stamps all up your arm, half a Subway smeared across your face, breath of Mr. Samuel Bucca and you’re still wondering where it all went wrong. Fear not, The Tab has the answers. Just follow these steps and you’ll be the new Lindsay Lohan of clubbing.

1. Stay awake.

Rule number one of going out, yet countless peasants do not heed this law of club and end up slumped over a hairy toilet seat at half 10. There are two main ways to stay awake: get more sleep before, or have some energy drink. And the club isn’t going to sell you your forty winks, is it?

Failure

2. Set a budget

‘Oh my God, I spent £40 last night, how is that even possible in Liverpool?’ Because you’re a careless cretin, that’s how. Tell yourself how much you’re going to spend in the night, take that money out, and then leave your card at home. Or just get other people to buy you drinks.

Couldn’t resist

 3. Decide where the night is going.

A night is a curve and peaking too early not only kills your night but makes you seem like a 15 year old on their first Barcardi Breezer. If you know you’re planning on staying in Heebies until close, don’t strawpedo your wine in pres. Tidy.

Decisions, decisions

4. Make friends with the fast food owners

Stop kidding yourself, you know the best way to swoon that girl is by treating her to a Chesters. Plus it’s a sure-fire way of delaying your hangover in the morning (we think…).

Friends for life

5. Get creative

Stop complaining how bad your nights are and start making them better. Fancy dress, bar crawls, drinking games. Go.

6. Don’t lose your mates

Or, if you’re chronically flitty, make new ones. Just make sure you aren’t wailing away alone in the smoking area, people are trying to smoke.

7. Be more pushy

You can always play the ‘I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was doing’ card. To be honest, manners aren’t going to get you anywhere in Faculty. Be assertive and you will get your drinks faster and have your requests to the DJ actually played.

8. Target early

Chances are you are at least vaguely open to the option of a pull, so the key here is to target early. It’s no use striding about with purpose to the opening bars of ‘That’s Amore’, you’ve missed the boat. Find your Romeo early and the night is yours.

9. Stop moaning

There’s nothing that makes a shit night more shit than calling it a shit night on the way home. Just get over it, not all nights are going to be great, start thinking of the next one.

10. Don’t go out.

If you keep waking up bemoaning your existence, just quit, your friends don’t want you there either.

Where you belong

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