‘He whispered in my ear, are you privately educated?’: The worst one-night stand stories in Leeds

Whether it’s that girl you met for 15 minutes outside of Wire or that boy who looked vaguely attractive on Hinge, we’re all guilty of the cheeky ‘beat and delete’ every once in a while. A night of fun with no strings attached and no need to ever mention it again- what could go wrong? A lot apparently. We asked you about your worst one night stands…

‘Whilst lying on top of me, he whispered in my ear, ‘Are you privately educated?’ 

I’m not sure if this guy was cosplaying a Tory or just came straight out of Charles Morris, but I would not be surprised if he said ‘Rah’ when he finished.

 ‘Her drunken housemate accidentally walked into the room and watched us in the act for about 15 minutes. We didn’t notice until another housemate came in to drag him out’ 

Sounds like someone wanted to get involved in a bit of 2-for-1 action. In the words of Melissa McCarthy, “WE GOT A WATCHER.”

‘She skateboarded around her room. Naked’ 

A true example of athleticism. Somebody’s been practicing in Woodhouse moor.

‘His chain ripped out my nipple piercing…we kept going though’ 

The damage had already been done; fair play to you for powering through, ripped nip and all. Nothing but respect.

‘He told me he had a seminar the next morning; it was Saturday night’ 

I sincerely hope he enjoyed his Sunday seminar. Bold of him to try and soften the blow with lies.

‘He had used a tie to fasten his trousers and couldn’t untie it’ 

Nothing will kill the mood like not being able to take your trousers down because you’ve used your Year 11 tie as a belt.

‘My back went into spasm in the middle of the act. I had to phone my mum at 1:30am because I was convinced I’d never walk again’

This brings a whole new definition to blowing one’s back out.

‘He wet himself in the middle of the night, leaving me covered in wee. I needed a fob to get out of the accommodation, so I ended up jumping over the gate to avoid any more of his body fluids’ 

This golden shower does not sound so golden.

‘She just would not leave; tried to plan another date in the evening and offered to stay at mine until I came back from my lectures. I had to feign a family death just to get her out’ 

Overstaying your welcome will certainly never constitute round two.

‘The condom got lost inside of me and emerged 15 days later. He bought me a Hyde Park Shwarma to say sorry.’ 

Well, at least you tried to be safe. And whilst the kebab is a nice gesture, it is not the hot and steamy ending you were looking for.

But don’t let that put you off; nights out wouldn’t be the same without the warm embrace of a sweaty little minger in your bed.