How to pretend you’ve started revising

A few new highlighters will help you lie to yourself

You should be revising right now, but you’re not. As the oncoming shitstorm of exam season approaches, the amount of time you spend procrastinating will begin to worry you.

You could hit the books and revise properly, but nobody actually wants to do that. All you need to do is convince yourself you’re on track for academic success, even if you’re not.

Just look at the nonsense you’re going to have to learn for your exams this month, there’s no way they can expect any sane person to give a toss, is there?


Fear not. In a few easy steps, you can enter a state of delusion that will see you relax and enjoy the remaining few weeks of term. Apart from exam day, obviously. You’ll be screwed then.

Look the part

Get a handful of books, raid Essentials for quite frankly inessential revision materials, open a notebook and revel in just how organised you are. Someone truly committed to the lie may even venture into a Ryman’s and spend hours deciding which flashcards reflect their personality. Remember, nobody actually NEEDS half the stuff WHSmith try to sell you, but owning the right kit goes a long way to helping the delusion.

Look at you, with ten different highlighter colours and your special revision folder already divided into sections, you’re some sort of revision GOD. What’s that, you’ve printed off a colour co-ordinated revision schedule? Excuse me while I undress.


Aye, you’ll be needing that vodka

It’s important to have the bare minimum down on paper before the lie can begin. Write out the names of topics vaguely relating to your course and scan through the Wikipedia articles on those.Then it’s back to doing nothing at all.

Use social media to annoy your friends

Everyone knows that 20 per cent of revision is bitching about revision, so keep up the façade by generally being a prick about it on the Internet. A selfie of you looking sad in the library might get you some sympathy likes, and maybe even a “Keep going baby xxx” comment from your mum.

On Twitter, the hashtags #FML #FuckRevision and #BringOnTheSummer will surely convince the outside world (or your 37 followers) that your life is seeping into an unending blankness from which there is no escape.