Liverpool: The city where bad nightclubs die

Reports released this week have suggested that half of UK clubs have closed down in the last 10 years. Researchers say that noise complaints, later pub opening hours and rising tuition fees have been causing clubs to shut.

And Liverpool has also seen its fair share of closures.

Drug raids, revamps and shit music. Just three of the reasons clubs are dropping like flies around Merseyside. Within the space of 6 months Aura, Ruby Sky, Republik, Lomax (who?), Reflex, Garlands and Med all announced they would be closing their doors.

The sort you meet inside Garlands

Whether they shut down for good or just for a couple of months, these clubs closed their doors to thousands of boozy revelers each month. But do we care?

Garlands went first, thanks to a drugs scandal. Republik soon followed, with more stories flying around of staff selling drugs to clubbers. Lomax was another venue that folded due to bosses openly selling cocaine inside the venue. Reasons for Ruby Sky and Reflex’s closures are yet to be disclosed, but it can probably be put down to how shit a night out they were.

Remember freshers? Remember wafting your overpriced wristband in the faces of Ruby Sky’s bouncers? Being forced to high five the bar staff and pretending to have a good time?

Yeah me neither, I was pretty drunk at the time. You had to be.

Sarah McDonald, studying Physics MPhys at University of Liverpool, said: “I went once to Ruby Sky during freshers, the music was a bit shit apart from them playing the lion king theme song.

“Med was good for the fact all my halls went there, but I don’t think anyone had a good time.

“Reflex was fun because the music was different to all the other places but it’s full of old creepy men.”

Gimme gimme Garlands

Every club has mixed reviews. Some are seen as the best night of your life and others? Well they’re just a waste of £4 entry.

Hannah Davis, studying Childhood Youth Studies and Sport and Physical Education at Liverpool Hope University said: “I didn’t think I’d like Reflex because of the music being very cheesy.

“Same with Republik, it is very RnB which is not my cup of tea.

“Garlands however I loved and Med too. I loved the music and seeing people off their faces.”

Cheesy clubs like Reflex could be a crazy night out. Strange things go on behind those doors. Strip poles and 40-year-olds getting their groove on. All we have now is Popworld.

The problem is, the novelty of a 39-year-old man in a mankini rubbing his hairy back up and down a greasy pole quickly rubs off. Wearing a mankini on a night out is for dickheads. Grow up, put your balls away and stop listening to the Spice Girls.

If you and your motley crew of fancy dress wearing bores want to vomit on each other in time to the pulsating rhythm of Cotton-Eyed Joe then go to an under-18s disco. If not then kindly fuck off out of our city, we’ll be at Level on a Wednesday with all the people who know how to have a good time.