How to survive in Glasgow if you’re a Tory

Mummy didn’t warn me about these things


I go to Glagow Caledonian University and I’m a Tory. Despite being a minority, I’m still alive. But for any other shy Tories out there who feel like they're not fitting in to the Scottish culture, or who feel like they need to 'fit in', here's a helping hand:

You have to support football, or at least pretend to

No joke, football is a big deal. Walk into any lecture or seminar on a Monday morning and all the guys will be saying “aww pal, did u see the game at the weekend?" If you answer with “ aw yes my dear fellow, Glasgow Warriors vs Leinster Rugby was a brutal game”, you’ll be running down the halls with pitch forks and torches quickly following suit.

What you should do in that situation is play it safe, don't say Rangers or Celtic were good because that will automatically cause a riot. Play it safe and say you support a team that no one cares about like 'Dundee'. There, sorted, Dundee is crap, small and poor. No one can take offence to that.

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Unapologetically posh

Learn the lingo quick

This is a tough pill to swallow for any English speaking friends. Up here in the bad lands of Glasgow, you can no longer use the Queen's English in such openness. Now your conversations are plagued with a casual “Wagwan pifting”, and a random “glaikit”.

These are the kind of terms you must need to learn if you are to know the difference between "hello, you're about to get stabbed in the upper abdomen”, or “hello mate, did you see the One Show Last night, they had a great Baking segment."

Don't look like a rugby lad

Now we have all seen them, the rugby lads on a Wednesday night in the club, wearing a tight fitting shirt and tie, brown leather shoes and dark jeans. Although this screams “we love rugby,” and that's mildly acceptable at Glasgow Uni or Strathclyde. At GCU however, this is the equivalent of screaming “MY FATHER OWNS YOUR HOUSE HAHAHAH”, or at least that's the message given.

Now my shirt is swapped for a Nike t-shirt, my shiny brown leathers are Reebok classics, and my dark blue jeans have been reduced to torn 'spice boy' light denim.

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Am I blending in yet

Change your accent

It was a sad day for me when I had to shed my English accent for the less superior Glasgow Scottish. It was at a time when I could no longer walk into class and say hello to my chums without getting abused for my Queen's English.

To blend in at Caley, one must adopt the local accent. A few tips for this are as follows: 'Yes' becomes "ayyye", 'no' becomes "nah matey", and 'Hello I am from Fettes College', becomes "aright mate, I went to school."

Finally, you should also probably just lie about the fact that you're a Tory and feign being one of the Jeremy Corbyn tween fandom.