Five life lessons I’ve learned in Murano
You feel like the subject of a Louis Theroux documentary
We all made the conscious effort to come to the “party” halls of Glasgow, so we should have known what to expect – but never underestimate Murano’s ability to surprise.
1. Not everyone is potty trained
All of your flatmates are basically adults, right? There is no secret three-year-old that you share with, yeah? Apparently not. All your life you assumed most people had got the hang of the whole toilet thing, back when they were still in nursery, but oh how wrong we were. Whether its atrocious aim, forgetting/ preferring not to flush, or blocking the loo with A4 printer paper when you run out of roll – you never know what nasty little surprise your flatmates will leave for you.
2. Salmonella is apparently no big deal
Sharing those tiny kitchens with people who haven’t the slightest idea how to cook is sure to cause some issue, but your immune systems have proven surprisingly resilient. Your mum taught you to take care to avoid the food poisoning that renders you with watery shits and stomach cramps for a week. Not your flatmates, who seem to love playing a meaty version of Russian roulette where dirty chopping boards are swapped and raw chicken is left lying around like confetti.
3. Afters are horribly overrated
2am comes around and someone in the group chat claims there is a ‘liiiit’ afters at Moorfoot. You go and sit in a randomers kitchen for a few hours, everyone is bobbing their head to minimalist techno. Someone lights a cigarette and tells everyone that “they’re heat sensors and not actually smoke alarms” but no one is interested. You feel like the subject of a Louis Theroux documentary. You're tired and everyone's got shit chat. Just go home.
4. You will have to hide from the cleaners
Who knew that dirty dishes could cause so much anger? Living here you are guaranteed to miss some early lectures on cleaning day at some stage. Prepare to spend half an hour hiding in your room, bursting for a pee but too scared to face the angry Murano cleaners. All you can hear from the hall is profanity after profanity, coupled with threats of “fines” all because someone forgot to tidy away their chips cheese and curry sauce from the night before. You will have a group meeting and promise to do a “deep clean” next week. You all know it won’t happen.
5. It’s the best place to spend first year
Granted the cookers always break, there is rarely hot water, and you probably haven’t slept well since you arrived – but you know deep down there is no other place to spend your first year. Everyone is class craic and the communal filth you live in has created bonds of friendship that will last for life. This feeling is re-enforced every time some dead eyed soul from Wolfson tells you “it’s actually pretty fun” or you cross paths with yet another tory from QM. It’s true, there really is no place like Murano.