Glasgow should be the capital of the UK and here’s why

We’re ten times better than London

Glasgow really should be the capital of the UK and, if you think about it, it’s the best option we have. To put it bluntly, our city is ten times better than London, and there’s just no rivalry from Edinburgh.

There are many, many legit reasons for this: we have the tallest cinema in Europe. We can trick people into thinking Glasgow Uni is Hogwarts. I can certainly see thousands of people coming from all over the world to see the statue of that guy with a cone on his head.

But I’m not here to talk about the economic benefits, the potential tourist boom and all that bollocks. Let me carefully explain the real reasons:

Our universities

London may have a few (a lot) more universities than Glasgow but you can’t get much better than Glasgow Uni, Strathclyde and GCU, can you? Don’t answer that. What you can’t argue though is that the main building of Glasgow Uni is an absolutely gorgeous building. What’s that you say? Something about a Boyd Orr Building? Don’t know what you’re talking about, mate…

There’s always something interesting going on

Whether it’s the homeless world cup, the Commonwealth Games or Leo the Silent Raver, something will catch your eye on a day in town.

The nightlife

With characters like these around, you know there will be something interesting for them to do under the cover of darkness. Garage, Bamboo, Firewater, Polo, Sub Club, the list is seemingly endless. If you want to go home covered in mysterious stains, a ringing in your ears and a concerning bite mark on your neck, we can find something for you to do.

The shops

Let’s be frank, I’m a man. I only go to two shops every time I’m in the city centre – the Ann Summers on Argyle Street and the Ann Summers on Sauchiehall Street. But I am told there are other shops. Primark, HMV, Waterstones, New Look, St Enoch Centre, Buchanan Shopping Centre (as seen in the Scarlett Johansson film Under the Skin)… Whatever you want, you’ll probably find it.


You’re hungover, riddled with guilt and shame and you need to satisfy your mind. Worry not, we’ve got you covered. You can go to the CCA on Sauchiehall Street, pay a visit to Kelvingrove Art Gallery next to Glasgow Uni, or watch an indie film at the Glasgow Film Theatre.

We’d one-up Edinburgh

Edinburgh already has too many good things: Edinburgh Castle, Sean Connery, Trainspotting and being the capital of Scotland. We only have six cities here so there’s no excuse but greed to have all four. Inverness has the Loch Ness monster; Stirling has its castle; Dundee has nothing.

Dundee City Centre

Edinburgh needs to be brought down a peg. The only way is to make Glasgow the capital city of the entire United Kingdom. We have a lot to offer which is ten times better

We’d one-up England

The one thing better than one-upping Edinburgh? One-upping all of England. This is really the only reason that matters. It’s time to replace Buckingham Palace with a flat in Paisley. It’s time to rename the English language the Scottish language. It’s time for English people to go abroad and get asked if they’re Scottish.

Imagine our sense of national pride if we made Glasgow the capital. We wouldn’t even need a second independence referendum; we could just kick England out of the union, rebuild Hadrian’s Wall and right “fuck off, London” in twenty-foot letters.

Northern Ireland and Wales can stay if they want.

Our new royal family

Of course, we wouldn’t last long. We’d get carried away with the power and waste our budget on saltire flags, booze and trying to invade England. But it’d be fun while it lasted.

Where did all the oil money go?