How to fit in with every clique at Glasgow Uni

If you really need to turn to The Tab for this, there’s no hope

Do you really want to be friends with everybody? Think carefully about this one, there are a lot of strange people out there and university is no exception.

Of course, it’s all fine and dandy to want to get to know everyone. There are all kinds of folk up here in Glasgow, and university is meant to be the time to become the ultimate social butterfly. After all, when will you ever have so much time to dedicate to your social life once university is over?

But what if you were to become a social moth instead? One wrong step and you’re in with the weird crowd, living with a bunch of people in second year who have a life size horse head on their wall in the hallway….


In light of this terrifying prospect, here is a definitive list of the cliques you’re bound to meet and how to fit in.


On the whole, this is not a hard group to break into. Stoners are a friendly bunch who flock together and are always open to making new friends. Conversation on your end doesn’t even need to be coherent, as they don’t have the reputation of being the most talkative. Just try to be creative when you do speak, or attempt to link all points back to Mother Nature and all things green. Actually knowing how to properly inhale also helps, as well as awareness of all weed-related slang and ownership of Bob Marley paraphernalia.


The Messiah


Pretty self-explanatory really. Everyone knows the kind of people who like to talk about music you’ve never heard of and, if we’re being honest, all sounds the same. If you learn to bluff your way through their music chat, adopt the mandatory scrunchie-and-trainers uniform and maintain that closing the Archers was the worst decision Glasgow City Council ever made, you’ll be fine.

All you need to do during the non-optional Tuesday night at Subclub is smile, nod and dance, and maybe do a cheeky little gun finger every now and then. Everything’s good when you like to dance. So, if you like staying out all night, thumping music, sweat, flashing lights and chemical affection, this is your crew.

Disclaimer: Not recommended for the faint of heart or epileptic.


Everything she’s wearing is vintage you know

GUSA Fanatics

If you’re looking for something a little more athletic mixed in with your friendship goals why not join a sports society? GUSA offers a variety of choices, including American football, Hockey, Rugby… even Ultimate Frisbee (seriously). With the new gym finally open and fully functioning, there really is no excuse not to join the most in-shape group at uni.

However, to be a true GUSA fanatic there are conditions: GUSA Ball attendance is not optional, Wednesday nights must always be kept free for socials at Viper and you must be prepared for all conversation to henceforth centre on your sport of choice, the likelihood being that it’s going to be Hockey or Rugby. No exceptions.


Gains everyday

GUU Aficionado

The natural ally of the GUSA Fanatic, a GUU obsessive is not hard to spot. Often found downing pints of fun in the Beer Bar, this group will be perfectly willing to accept you on the conditions that you: a) never again set foot in the QMU or express any kind of appreciation for it, and b) have a strong enough liver to be up for a night at the Hive whenever suggested.

Be prepared for hangovers like you’ve never experienced them before.


QMU is for wetties

Library Dwellers

If going out isn’t your thing, there’s always the studious type. From now on, Level Three of the library will become your chosen venue to socialise, with peak hours being 11 to five on weekdays.

Just be sure to always pack your own lunch for fear of being made bankrupt by the extortionate café prices, and make sure to never, ever lose your student card for risk of being denied entry by the Library bouncers. Who needs Viper anyway?


Look at all the fun to be had

The Leftovers

This is the weird lot who don’t fit into any of the cliques listed above. The truth is, most people are strange underneath but it’s just that some are better at hiding it than others. Us odd folk are everywhere, whether it’s fighting for a drink in the Beer Bar, dancing the night away in Subby, or hogging all the booths on Level Three. You get productive stoners, cheesy music lovers whose favourite night is at Subclub and Rugby lads who just can’t stand Viper (OK, that last one is rare).

It’s true that university is a great place to meet as many people as possible, but to do that you have to be open to everyone and not close yourself off to a certain clique. Follow these instructions and you can be friends with everyone.