When is the best time to leave the club?

It’s not something to be taken lightly

alcohol club drinking food hangover

We all love clubs, and even if you say you don’t, realistically you do. But when to leave is a hotly contested topic, only made worse by the fact half of your friends have disappeared. 

Whether its Viper or Kokomo, all of Glasgow’s clubs have particular time constraints attached.


If you want chips

We all know the feeling that hits, and right there and then you know nothing but carbohydrates will make the world seem right again.

If you want a BBQ Kings and not have to suffer the unbelievably shite patter of the rugby boys while being squished into a sweaty armpit as you wait for your chicken pakora, leave early.

Carbs make the world go round

Carbs make the world go round

Since Viper is seemigly the only club ever that closes at 2am, leaving at a precautionary 1.30am is probably for the best. That way, not only do you get reasonably priced chips, you also get to watch as the one night stands stumble past fuelled by vodka and hormones.

For clubs in town, it’s again probably wise to leave at about 2.45 to avoid being stuck in the queue long enough to consider breakfast.

If it’s a Friday or Saturday

Words to live by

Words to live by

Trying to find a taxi on the weekend can only be compared to the Hunger Games. If you’ve had the forethought to preorder a taxi, congrats. Keep being you.

But for the rest of us, if you don’t want to stand in the taxi queue until six in the morning, it’s best to leave around 2.30. There are taxi queues outside of Garage and Central Station, and nights spent wondering if you’ll ever see your Maw again have probably prompted hatred of taxis with only one person in them.

Alternatively, you can stay till lights on and pound them streets, stealing taxis from those who actually bothered to preorder.

If you’ve pulled

Well really this one entirely depends on you. But we strongly suggest leaving as early possible so that the vodka vision hasn’t worn off yet..

If you don’t want to get groped

You’re in the club and the clock strikes 10 to three. There is a smell of desperation in the air. It’s also when the DJ starts playing an RnB version of Don’t Look Back in Anger, but that’s beside the point. It’s crunch time for anyone hoping to pull outside of a chip shop, so the attempts at seduction reach new and dangerous heights.

Anyone wishing to not participate in this mating ritual, which is worthy of a David Attenborough documentary, should run like the cut price Cinderella we all wish we were.

If you have a 9am the next day

First off, it’s usually argued if you have a 9am lecture the next day you probably shouldn’t go out.

Pretty sure he still went to his 9am

Pretty sure he still went to his 9am

However, by observing those brave souls who get rotten and still make it to their 9ams, you have three options:

1. Leave at about 1am and get a good night’s sleep. But is there any point in going in the first place?

2. Keep going till lights on, pull an all nighter and then go to lectures drunk. After your 9am you can then pass out in bed knowing full well you probably did not learn a single thing, apart from the best place to have a tactical chunder in the Joseph Black building.

3. Just accept you will not be attending your lecture. So keep going until everyone else wants to leave.