Every reason David Cameron isn’t welcome here

So David Cameron is reportedly visiting the University of Exeter today. As you might have seen myself and my colleagues aren’t best pleased. By the way, I’m the President of Exeter Socialist Students. So here’s a little run down of why a sack of potatoes in a suit and tie would be a better prime minister.

He may have fucked a pig

I know it. You Know it. But here’s the deal, old Davey boy shagging Peppa pig’s mum is probably the nicest thing I’ll be talking about.

The green paper, that means you might pay more than £9k

So a while back him and his mates published something called the green paper, basically what it plans to do is make tuition fees without limit and capable of retroactively being increased. So that 9k you’re pissed off about paying? Could be a lot worse. It also pushes through a thing called the Teaching Excellence Framework which means that teachers and schools get funding based on how good a job the graduates get, so basically working class schools will be buggered and Eton will have enough dosh to gold plate their walls.

Scrapping maintenance grants

I don’t know about you, but I bloody well need my maintenance grant – it’s really useful for being able to do the fun things in life, like eating and having a roof over my head. Cameron doesn’t agree, and although they’re set to be replaced with loans I think we’re right to be skeptical considering how much he keeps trying to increase how much we pay.

No more state schools

David’s probably spent less than 24 hours inside state schools, y’know what with the silver spoon dangling out his gob, so it doesn’t surprise me that he wants to scrap state schools. The most recent budget announced it’ll be scrapping ALL state school and making them academies,  encouraging businesses to fund schools. So expect your kids to be going to Coca-Cola High or All Saints (sponsored by Subway).

People are dying because of benefit cuts

So pretty much once a month for the past few years I’ve seen a story where someone has killed themselves or starved to death because of benefit cuts. When we say austerity is killing us, it’s not being melodramatic. Poor people are dying of starvation in a first world country.

Tax dodgers like his dad are to blame, not the poor

The Tories talk a lot of chat about how we need to cut down on these benefit scroungers and how it’s big spending that cause the deficit, but they go oddly silent when you point out there’s only £3 billion a year lost in benefit fraud but £34 billion lost from tax evasion. Oh yeah, and his dad and his mates are behind a  chunk of that.

The Bullingdon Club

As I mentioned earlier Cameron had a little bit of porcine loving in his uni days for a drinking society, turns out that’s the nicer of the societies he was in. As a member of the Bullingdon club he would smash up restaurants and then just casually fling some money at the owner. Oh yeah and he probably burnt £50 in front of a homeless guy as initiation.

His face

Now I know it’ll seem shallow ( come on it’s the Tab not the Economist) but dont you think he’s got a weird face? Ironically Ham-like, bulbous, shiny. The weirdest thing is how pointy all his features are yet how round his face is? A circle with edges.

He left his daughter in a pub

I mean if something tells you someone’s not fit to lead a country, it’s them forgetting their own child in a pub. I just hope he takes better care of trident.

He obviously didn’t watch the Fox and the Hound

Did he even watch the Fox and the Hound? Foxes are cute as shit, and even if they do kill some chickens maybe its not best to rip them apart with dogs then blast their faces off with shotguns? Just a thought.

His suit fetish

D Cazza has this weird obsession with suits. He keeps telling people to wear them and he always fiddles with his. He’s like a really shit Patrick Batemen. I guess the most we can be thankful for is that he’s stopped wearing ones made out of human skin.

Hayden Cooper – Exeter Socialist Students President and representative to the Student Assembly Against Austerity for Exeter Defend Education