Okay, before we start, I’m not suggesting we build a Jaeger fountain in the Forum, or cancel all 9ams, or ban lacrosse (although I would like to, personally), because those would be silly.

And if there’s one thing the Tab takes ultra-ultra-seriously, it’s the really important sabbatical elections that everyone on campus clearly really cares about, and those really fun campaigns that are really interesting and not annoying in any way.

However, if the candidates take the following recommendations on board for their manifestos, I might just pay attention – a bit of attention, at least.

The revolving doors in the Forum

Perhaps the most pointless thing ever: no one even uses them, I swear.

Why not just have normal doors like a normal building? I don’t care about how it saves heat; they’re stupid.

Told you no one uses them

Timetables

So some stupid bureaucrat has decided it is appropriate to give students two-hour lectures starting at 6pm. They do realise we’re students, don’t they?

Also, I have a 3-hour lecture this year. Not even fucking Einstein could concentrate for three hours. It’s ridiculous. It really is.

Could it be worse?

The library

I’m trying to procrastinate here – and I can’t.

I don’t care how “amazingly bants” it was when Hugo threw up in the Lemmy; I’m a third year with actual work to put off. Shut up, you stupid fresher.

I suggest there should be a patrol at all hours, ready to shoot anyone that so much as whispers. Harsh? Maybe. Effective? Definitively.

Eyebrows (raised ones)

The Lemmy

Here’s a novel idea – it might shock you to the core, but take a seat, and hear me out: how about we make the Lemmy not absolutely shit?

I mean, if we got someone with at least half a brain to run it, got someone who can actually DJ to perform regularly, and actually book some acts students want to see?

I mean, who the still likes the Automatic? I don’t, and ipso facto: no one else does.

Forum shop

The rush for the last decent sandwiches is just ridiculous.

Stop filling it up with posh sweets that no one ever buys and just fill the place, top to bottom, with sandwiches. Just not cheese & pickle: no one likes cheese & pickle.

Sparse by 2pm