Mythbusters: A sensual taste of Thai

Rumours of a brothel in a student area have circulated around campus for years.

Some students have claimed they’ve seen police at the front door, others have had their suspicions raised from the permanently closed appearance of the building. The rest of the rumour mill is probably just wishful thinking.

The Tab sent a student prepared literally to put his balls on the line to find out if the infamous Thai Spa on Hoopern Street is actually a brothel.

Our plucky lad is a second year economics student who loves Timepiece and reckons he normally scores with the ladies whenever the Baywatch theme tune, showing off his muscular physique and ‘hench guns’. He bravely decided to be our guinea pig for what can only be called the most impressive of investigative journalism endeavours.

“Leaving my house, I started to feel a bit sleazy,” he said. The sleaziness was made worse when our intrepid explorer had to wait to be let into the establishment. Nervously, he stepped inside.

The massage room had a rich, sensual aroma but the smell soon became more potpourri than exotic incense when he saw his masseuse. “I hoped when I met her that she was just the owner; turns out she was also the masseuse. She was a nice, old Thai lady. I was expecting, or rather I was hoping for, a nice young Thai girl of course, but I didn’t get that…”

Our mystery lad didn’t want to be named

Rather than the two of them getting down and dirty straight away, the “nice, old Thai lady” killed the buzz by asking some officious health and safety questions, leaving our horny hunk wondering: “What’s going on here? Am I going to get anything?!”

The potential Mrs. Robinson led our young sir up the stairs to what he hoped would be a moment of sexual awakening. His loins quivered with anticipation when she instructed him to step into the shower but were soon limp with disappointment when she stressed he must come back with his pants on.

“At this point I was starting to have doubts over whether there was going to be any happy ending, but also at this point I was kind of hoping that there wouldn’t be… because, well, she’s old enough to be my mother.”

Nervously, he lay on the table and waited for his wildest wet dream to come true. Unfortunately, it was more 50 Shades of Beige than 50 Shades of Grey.

He didn’t find what he was looking for

“She put a towel over my bum and then she started patting me and rubbing me through a towel.

“It was very much like being at the hairdressers, where you have those mundane conversations. She started talking about her kids who are older than me, which put me off even more. She was just a really really friendly nice old-ish lady.”

When it was all over, our lad cheekily asked “Is that the traditional Thai ending?” to which she simply replied: “yep, all done”. With that she walked out the door and out of his dirty fantasy.

When we asked our man if he felt disappointed his manhood had been left abandoned, he told us “Uh….no. I felt strangely okay with that. I was relaxed and I was in a happy place.

“If I had been given a happy ending I think I would have felt a bit dirty. Although I probably would have let her if she had tried to.”

So, there you have it. The rumours aren’t true. Don’t go booty calling the Thai Spa at 3am after a lonely night at Timepiece Wednesdays; “It was entirely professional, entirely friendly and entirely soothing and relaxing”.