Everything you have to worry about in Pollock this year

Life in Pollock is far from rosy. From the JMCC to the fact that you’re not in Chancellors, it’s far from the best halls at Edi. But there’s a core set of experiences that bind you together and make sure you never forget your time in Edinburgh’s waviest hall.

The Wildlife

Be it foxes or fighting magpies, Pollock can be a hazardous place for the unwitting traveller. However, out of all of its non-human residents  it’s the booming grey squirrel population which takes the (literal) biscuit. Brazen and obnoxious, the Pollock squirrel stops at nothing to get its daily fix from the rubbish bins and fears no one- all you wanted was an early morning wander and now you’re  being victimised by an overweight  squirrel after your nature valley bar. The squirrel autocracy is fast approaching a regime of terror, and given the current state of affairs it’s looking as if the squirrels will soon be moving their power base to the JMCC.

U wot m8? I’ll ‘ave yer

The Frisbee Players

Commonly spotted outside the JMCC and the Turner House entrance, the frisbee players are another group wreaking havoc  on  Pollock’s hallowed lawns. Unfortunately, the problem arises from the fact that they choose not to play on the grass and instead the pathways. The resulting situation? Victims are forced to walk in the flowerbeds or risk being smashed in the head by a small UFO. It’s difficult to know what hurts more; the mild concussion or the shame of having to throw the frisbee back and awkwardly laugh at the (distinctly un) hilarious  situation whilst you limp into the foyer with a black eye.

The JMCC

The JMCC as a whole equates to one giant hazard. Every move must be carefully planned to avoid excruciating embarrassment/the  life long status of being the person that slipped on a rogue taco shell and crashed head first into the cold meats, dislocating both shoulders in the process. From the ID’ing at the door which would put any Edinburgh club to shame, to the carnage at the conveyor belt, the hazards just keep on coming. For those who fancy a sly cheese and ham croissant for lunch, a process akin to airport security must first be undertaken. Woe betide if you’re the person with the equivalent 200ml toothpaste- that banana is going straight back on that tray and you’re leaving with a smarting ego and a telling off.

It’s a jungle out there

The ATM

Spitting out dreams one by one, Pollock’s often cash-less ATM can be a lethal last resort for those who can’t be bothered with the 5 minute walk to its Sainsbury’s sibling. Next thing, you’re being forced to take out a £20 note and before you know it you’re passed out in the corridor having spent it all on £1 shots in Why Not? and a MacDonald’s saver meal. As a hazard, the ATM must be treated with the respect that it deserves. As a wise man once said, ‘With great power comes great responsibility’ and it’s up to you to pass the tests and trials of the ATM.

Classic

So, whether it’s fruit security or a fat squirrel called Gary who’s trying to extort your apple from you, just keep your head down, avoid the hazards and you’ll probably survive the year (maybe).