You can complete Halloween in Edinburgh this year

You wouldn’t think whacking on some fancy dress and getting wasted in our beloved city would be particularly difficult, most of us do it on a weekly basis anyway. So how do so many people get it wrong? Listen to our fail-safe wisdom to avoid embarrassing yourself this All Hallows’ Eve.

Don’t dress up as a ghost

Although nothing excuses the shitty Sainsbury’s deals on ‘Scream eggs’ and cotton wool cobwebs up and down Nicholson Street, Halloween is a key date on the Edinburgh social calendar.

Now that we’re too old to go Trick or Treating, here’s a fool proof guide on how to enjoy Halloween anyway.

This could be you

Where to go

You’ve clicked “going” to so many Facebook events, actually deciding where to go on Halloween is a truly difficult decision. This year the main options seem to be:

Shelter at the Biscuit Factory

You will queue for hours, with other people who are all wearing almost the same costume as you, but who somehow manage to look cooler that you. Why not pay exponentially more to see the same Edinburgh DJs in a trendy warehouse which is about an hour away from everything else?

Hive

Halloween is Hive on Steroids, the 31^st of October will see all the best (or worst) parts of Hive exaggerated. For Hive, there’s not really any need to dress up. When the lights turn on you’ll be disgusted by everyone else anyway.

Big Cheese

Despite all the planning and expectation behind your big Halloween night, chances are you will end up at the Big Cheese anyway. Look forward to awkwardly bumping into your one-night stand and listening to Oasis.

Teviot House of Horrors

The Midnight Beast will surely be playing, a name you probably recognise but you just haven’t given them any thought since their Tik Tok parody circa 2009. This will be an excellent chance to relive one of the best music moments of the decade.

What to wear

You’ve read all the Buzzfeed articles, you’ve trawled through Pinterest, but you still haven’t found the costume that’s a perfect mix of wit and warmth. Don’t lose hope yet.

The wonders of EBS

Do

Its Halloween, you’re not going to get another opportunity to dress this over the top for a full year. So just dress up, you’re never too cool for a costume.

Prioritise warmth. Otherwise you will be getting Goosebumps for all the wrong reasons.

Make sure you search on the internet for hours for the perfect costume that’s both an excellent conversation starter, and looks good. Then resort back to your original plan at the last minute.

Remember its Halloween, so try and at least pretend to be scary.

Don’t

Don’t partake in a couples costume. Quit reminding us how much you love your boyfriend.

Don’t dress as something normal but “sexy”. Excellent examples found in the Edinburgh Bargain Store include sexy ladybird, fireman and vodka bottle.

Never without your Br(o)’s

Don’t spend tonnes on your costume. You should never spend more than the ticket for where you choose to go.

Don’t wait until too late to sort your costume out – you don’t want to be in the queue of shame outside Edinburgh Bargain Store at 5pm.

No slut shaming or cultural appropriation.

Last, but not least, no blackface. It’s the 21st Century for fuck’s sake.

What to Drink

Drink anything that makes you forget how annoying your costume is, how awful everyone else’s is, how your face paint has rubbed off, and how much you secretly hate Halloween.

Teviott Halloween Drinks are always a good place to start, both for excellent puns and intoxication. Skeleton Blues anyone?

If you’re feeling classy

And when in doubt, drink VKs. Always VKs.