Absolutely Everybody Hates Flyerers, New Studies Show
Pedro Leandro’s (satirical) view on the most annoying habit Edinburgh students have.
A study recently conducted by the WSAQFSSA (Weirdly Specific And Quite Frankly Superfluous Studies Agency) has shown that flyerers are officially the most hated group in the UK. The group scored the lowest popularity points in history, narrowly beating bouncers and the French.
“This type of animosity towards any group of people is unprecedented” says Nalin, 19, heavy drinker, negligent father and head of WSAQFSSA. “99% of the people interviewed in this study cited flyerers as their first choice. In fact, only one group of lads from Glasgow University put them down as second choice, closely behind women.”
Indeed, flyerers are known for intruding in conversations on the street, making people bump into things as they swerve to avoid them and just generally making people’s days slightly worse by simply existing.
“Zees ees frankly reedeeculousse.” A stereotypical Frenchman told the Tab as he munched on a Gauloise and smoked a piece of camembert. “Oui are compleeteuhly aoutréged baïe ze lack of aneemoseety touweurds euhs. Oui recognaïze, aweveuhr, zat zees reuhflects a drop een aitefouleness on awour part. Oui ouil traïe to bee more omophobeeque and ave more raiceeste nachional onthems een ze future, as ouell as deemeeneesheeng ze amaount of taime zat oui ouash a ouik.”
EUSA (Edinburgh University Students Association) has tried to ban it on many occasion from campus but after months of failed attempts has finally given up. “We have repeatedly consulted with our lawyers on this issue, as we receive daily complaints about it.” A EUSA representative told the Tab. “However, despite months of exhaustive research into University jurisprudence, we have been unable to find any sexist element in flyering, rendering it impossible to ban.”
The problem of flyering is one that needs addressing, therefore. Is there no better way to advertise a club or a restaurant than to annoy innocent bystanders on the street by giving them coloured pieces of paper which will then invariably find themselves in the bin or on the floor, having been granted only a cursory glance after grudgingly accepting them from the annoying person giving them out? The Tab suggests that pop-up windows on the internet or calling people’s phones, making them think that they have friends and that they are not, after all, alone in this world, only to realise that they have been randomly selected to be sold something which is of no value to them, ultimately making them more depressed than before might be better ways to pique the public’s interest.