A definitive list of the most annoying people at Durham

Have you ever met as many annoying people before as you have at uni? Thought not. Actually you’re probably one of them. But which of these are you?

The anthropology student who’s really involved in finance society

Ok, we get it, you want to seem smarter than you are. You’re probably trying to cover up the fact that you failed maths by being the most pretentious person at uni.

We totally get that your parents are rich and you feel like an embarrassment to your family, but lets be honest; you study anthro, you should be watching documentaries about gorillas instead of mingling with the smart people.

The charming guy who’s dating the bitch

Have you no soul? Your girlfriend is the most nagging, jealous ice-queen around, wake up and notice all the lovely lonely girls who are pining for you! You are the reason why girls have lost all hope of finding a decent guy. No one likes your girlfriend, time to find a new one.

The girl who does English Lit

The ultimate amalgamation of shiny hair, subtle jewellery, stripy tops and tinted lip balm. Would you just stop it with the neat homemade notebooks and the calligraphy, we all know you’re planning your next insta post of Flat White instead of taking notes.

Yes, you’re beautiful, but with every novel you read you become more and more devoid of personality. You will obviously never be Lizzie Bennet, go drown your sorrows in another hazelnut latte at Starbucks, where you’ll ultimately end up working anyway.

The guy who wears a signet ring

You’re the Hatfield guy that is never seen in gym clothes or with facial hair. You act like a little businessman even though everyone knows that you live off your parents and will never have to make a serious effort to get anywhere in life. The ultimate universal symbol for unapproachability does not make you cool, sexy, respected, or popular.

Do some work on your personality, get yourself a sense of fashion, and leave that arrogant, elitist little metal thing at home. Your family probably didn’t get it before the 20th century anyway, stop pretending you’re noble.

The science student who thinks they’re better at arts than arts students.

The fact that you know who Nietzsche was does not mean you’re as good of a philosopher as a philosophy student. Shut up and stop dissing arts and social sciences students, you will ultimately end up working in banking, with your boring friends and dull social life.

The languages student who does fuck all

You could have gone to France and learned French, but instead you’re spending thousands of pounds to sit in Elvet Riverside. You’re always hungover, you always look unhappy, and you always complain about the workload when really you only have to watch one film for your next seminar.

When parents say “we’ll be proud of you no matter what you decide to do” they don’t actually mean it, wake up and become a decent human.

The IR student who discusses Asian conflicts when drunk

You are the only reason why people hit Urban Oven at 10 pm. You destroy all hopes of a good drunk night when you interrupt a nice pathetic game of ‘never have I ever’ to discuss Asian conflicts.

The one in the long distance relationship

“I’m Skyping my boyfriend tonight, so I can’t go out,” really gets the eyes rolling. You’re sitting in front of a screen whilst awkwardly acting like you’re really turned on by his live webcam wanking session down in Exeter. You really have to stop complaining about missing him, it’s actually really boring to listen to.

You’re wasting the three best years of your life and annoying the heck out of your friends, it’s time to break up with him and you know it.

The social climber

I remember a time when you bothered to talk to me, but apparently none of us semi-cool people are popular enough for you anymore. You think people don’t notice that the only thing you care about is status, but everyone does.

You’ve turned into a blood-sucking leech who latches on to anyone who is good looking, older, gets a lot of girls, or is good at rugby. Know that no-matter how many of their parties you’re “invited to” they will never like you, and nobody else does either.

The one who lives on social media

Don’t you know that it’s socially unacceptable to post more than two Instagram posts a day? Or that Snapchat does not exists for you to broadcast your friend doing something “weird” like drinking water upside down, which for the record isn’t “mad” or “lols” in the least. You’re such maddeningly boring person, get a life.

The girls who call themselves a “squad”

So you think exclusivity is cool? The boomerang snippets of you all twerking or pouting are embarrassing, all the mirror selfies with cliché captions prove you’re all incredibly vain and desperate for attention. You may be the cool group in college, but on your own you’re all unintelligent, terrible conversationalists. You also seem to think it’s ok to trash-talk your friends, that’s probably why you fell out with each other immediately after moving in together.

The guy who hits on everything

He follows the logic of “Is she a girl? Is she alive? Perfect, lets get in there!”. He’s a walking STI and he doesn’t have duvet covers on his bed.

The one who doesn’t stop speaking in lectures

The know-it-all who treats every tutorial like a viva voce and constantly corrects the others whatever they say. We hate that you hand stuff in early, and we hate that your room is always tidy.

You’re uptight, only able to talk about academic subjects, and the most boring drunk that ever existed.