Valentine’s Day in Durham

Valentine’s Day has come round again and it’s the same as every year. The single boys swap their red chinos for Jack Wills track pants, the single girls swap their quinoa for low fat frozen yogurt, and everyone laments losing their latest lover to someone with slightly better prospects and a slightly smaller gene pool.

On February 14^th the general public are overwhelmed by an onslaught of nauseating hand holding, repetitive cards, and terrible restaurant puns that are only there to hide the fact that the price has tripled and the only addition to the meal is a tasteless choux pastry shaped like a cherub’s ass.

Turns out you can put a price on love

But how much do you actually love Zizzi’s? Does the thought of a fourteen quid set meal at La Tasca genuinely fill you with a deep throbbing excitement? Does the prospect of candlelit Pizza Express paid for in vouchers really inflame you with desire?

Unless you love eating the exact same food as everyone else as you sit in a packed chain restaurant, Valentine’s Day in Durham might be better spent single and collecting chillies on your Nandos card.

#winning

As someone who has unfailingly received a Valentine every year of my life (from my dad), I feel I am somewhat of an expert on making my own fun on Valentine’s Day – and yes, I mean that in the way you read it. In my eyes, being single on February 14^th can be far more fun, interesting, and sexually rewarding than being in one of those “happy”, committed relationships.

For a start, being single gives you the opportunity to shark on all the lost, single souls wondering around Durham. This city is full of gorgeous, intelligent and rich individuals, and even a few who are all three.

While at any other time of the year you might not even consider approaching one of the Beautiful People, on Valentine’s Day they’ll probably be desperate and drunk and that they will consider lowering their standards. This means you can swoop in, seduce them, and ensure good breeding for generations of your family to come.

Where will that rose end up…

However, you must remember to never expect this to become a great romance. Last time I thought I was punching, the guy called me by the name of my character in the play we were both in during intercourse. The saddest thing is, I didn’t correct him.

Ultimately, being single on Valentine’s Day also means less money spent on ironic fluffy handcuffs that will probably be burned when you inevitably break up, and more money to splash drowning your sorrows with quaddies in Klute.

Us singletons can spend our money freely on unnecessary pleasures like brunches in Flat White and excessive rowing stash, without having to dig into our overdrafts to get ‘bae’ that shit, overpriced jumper in Ding Dong Vintage.

Life’s essentials

What’s more, Valentine’s Day also coincides with summative season. While the relationship bound people have to waste time staring into each other’s’ eyes and having sensitive, ‘meaningful’ sex that they’ve planned in detail before, the rest of us actually can take advantage of the 24 hour library to read Buzzfeed articles, stack up books in an attempt to appear studious, and occasionally smash out an essay or two.

Finally, if you’re as bitter as I am, just remember that no matter how sad and destitute your love life may seem, there’s bound to be some miserable Durham-ite that is worse off than you.

‘single fun’

Take me, for example. My most successful Valentine’s Day to date was spent being a sideman’s side chick. Or my housemate, who was recently dumped by a guy with ‘Everything Happens for a Reason’ tattooed across his chest.

Tragic.