As the warm(ish) summer approaches and that tosser from school keeps posting pictures of his trip to Paris with his boyfriend, you need someone. Quickly. There isn’t time for a last-ditch Klute offensive, no, this calls for more. You reach for your white iPhone and click Grindr.

If you’ve been living under a rock, or you’re a straight guy (seriously, even my mum knows what it is), Grindr is a dating app that loads guys based on their proximity to you. Essentially, it’s Tinder without girls, and we’ve had it years. 

But guys need characterising and putting in boxes because that’s definitely what feminism has been fighting for. Thus, for your reading pleasure: The Guys of Grindr.

The Daddy

He’ll be fat and probably divorced, but he’ll fix those daddy issues you’ve been rocking since 2010. If you were really into Lana Del Rey a couple years back and totally read Lolita, then this is the man for you. Expect a photo of him with someone young on a beach somewhere, along with instant demands to meet regularly.

Do not meet this man.

Be honest with yourself, can you really be bothered to go to Gilesgate just to awkwardly look at photos of his kids before you “fulfil” that Gas Station fantasy?

Disclaimer: Treats may be limited due to child support payments

The Rugger Bugger

If you’ve ever watched any American sitcom since 1993, you’ll know the sympathetic soccer player is always actually gay. In Durham, rugby lads haven’t quite caught up with the decade we’re living in, and are terrified that “their mates” might find them out, so don’t expect a face. This might seem like a perfectly great explanation to anyone who lacks adequate brain cells but, for those amongst us who do want to graduate someday, it all feels like a bit of a cop-out.

Regardless, expect plenty of blurry photos of them playing some sort of sport, and ultimate disappointment and inexperience if you do choose to meet them.

Says it like it is, so I’ll say it like it is too – massive twat.

The ‘NONS’

“Nons” are “No One Night Stands.”, but if this sub-section of gay male were female, they would be known as the college bike (their names are, of course, ironic). Example: “Hey Boys – absolutely no one night stands – h8 no strings attached – (200 photos of my ass available on demand).”

Normally of the bored, blond, Fresher variety, they can also be known to change their name to their location to increase their chances (‘Loft Loving’, ‘Love shacking it up’ etc) So if the Durham GUM clinic takes your fancy (and who doesn’t love the judgmental looks of nurses?!), Nons are the ones for you…

Wants strings attached, yet provides no information about himself other than a chest-pic…sounds legit?

The ‘I’m Too Good for Grindr’ Guy 

Young, tanned and blond. Perfect teeth and a totally and completely promising career guaranteed with their Theology degree. They might reply, they might not, either way you’re definitely not good enough for them. They have filters on photos of their dicks and moody looking half-smiles that state the obvious: no, you can’t ask for their number.

Yet even though they know they’re better than you, they’re still on Grindr, which probably means that, despite their iPhone camera abilities, chances are they’re still an asshole. And I don’t mean the asshole we all love to hate – we’re talking about the ‘do you know what the Chinese are doing in Tibet?’ kind of asshole. Full-blown dick.

He’s wears a Onesie, just so you’re aware he’s a twat.

The One

Ha. You’ll be lucky – literally if you’re looking for love, Grindr is not the place. Even its most ardent fans find it difficult not to smirk when they describe it as a “dating app.”

Don’t get me wrong, if you’re a lazy gay (or “just curious lol”), Grindr is great. It saves a trip to Newcastle’s Powerhouse, but prepare yourself for the downsides: Durham is gay-starved and that Grindr is full of shits.

Your writer’s very own profile, just so you know where to post the shit.