Shit Durham students say

As students we are prone to over-exaggeration and embellishment, but do we ever full out chat complete bullshit? SERENA GOSLING believes so, bringing you the biggest lies to look out for…

Students are compulsive liars. There’s no two ways about it. Whether we want to fit in with the crowd, are embarrassed by the truth or want to get out of something, we have a tendency to fib our way through. Here’s just some of the shit we all say…

‘I can’t remember anything from last night.’

Whether you admitted your true feelings to someone, blurted out something you shouldn’t have or did an incredibly embarrassing striptease, you feel the best course of action is to claim ignorance to all accusations held against you in a desperate attempt to keep any of the dignity/friends you have left. In actual fact, you can remember every single painful detail, but judging by the empty bottle(s) you’ve made your way through, you’re pretty sure no one is going to question your self-proclaimed witlessness.

Sure you don’t…

 ‘I have no money.’

Students moan the whole time about being in overdraft, yet somehow we can still afford to get completely plastered on nights out before coughing up the cash for the over-priced coffees and lunches at YUM the next day. If you really had no money, you’d be living on tap water and a ration of quinoa a day. As it is, being in overdraft is only a ‘problem’ when you need it as an excuse to turn down nights out and coffees with awkward acquaintances, otherwise it’s just free money! So if people tend to use this excuse around you a lot, trust me when I say…it’s not them, it’s you.

Oh well, time to break into the £2000 overdraft…

‘My work is not going well.’

Admittedly sometimes work is definitely not going well, but generally this statement is over-used and lacks empirical evidence. As well as being an automatic response to any question at Uni related to ‘how work’s going’, we students have an innate desire to be sheep, bleating the same tune as our peers who are also pretending to have a summative panic. This statement is further used to seek reassurance in your ability, or even to belittle your efforts so that when your mark is revealed, everyone refers to you as ‘the genius’.

Contrary to the number of times this statement is batted about, Durham is not actually full of idiots and 84% of us will graduate with at least a 2:1. Therefore, as a rule, you may only conclude that work has really hit a bad patch if someone is wearing the same clothes as yesterday, their eyes aren’t quite able to focus and you received a token 5am Bill Bryson snapchat.

Yep…you definitely failed.

‘I have no time.’

Yeah, you have a summative. Yeah, exams are looming. Yet you still find time to catch up on the latest pointless crap on 4OD, or go on that completely crazy night out you pretended not to remember (see point 1). Unless your deadline is tomorrow, students have time for anything they really want to do. Applying for internships and sorting out futures: that’s just not shit we are interested in, so we don’t do it. Sorry Mum.

Clearly relevant to your degree…

‘My room isn’t normally like this.’

Probably the most obvious one. Your friend unexpectedly pops round or you bring the guy you’ve been seeing home after a few too many in the Shack. Walking up the stairs, the cold realization hits you that your room looks like a mini war zone, with every available floor space and surface taken up with an array of clothes, shoes, food products and untouched textbooks. You start to garble something about having had to try and find your earring as you trip over the hairdryer on your way in. Who are you kidding?

You’re a student. A wasteland as a room comes with the territory. Indeed, tidying it, rather like planning your future, is one of those things you just ‘don’t have time to do’…and we all know what that means.

Usual morning view…

More shit, you say? Write it in the comments below.