20 indisputable signs that could mean you’re Durham’s absolute worst housemate

When you choose to study at Durham, or any university, one of the first and most crucial choices you are faced with is choosing who your friends will be. At Durham specifically, this choice becomes more of a challenge given that the alternative is feeding alpacas near the old Durham gardens or playing fetch with the farm dog.

After you make your first choice, the second, is which of those friends you will live with, given of course that you have managed to overcome the obstacle of there being no houses available ever. Still, chances are that while you may have been the one making all of these choices, you still find yourself at times regretting each and every one of them. Friends forever sounds lovely, until you start living with them and you soon realise that forever is a LONG time.

However, if you still happen to think that it is not, maybe you should think again, and ask yourself about the last time you turned milk into cheese as chances are, you may well be Durham’s worst housemate.

1.’Forgetting’ to flush the toilet after you’re done doing your business.

Please, save the “oops”, we all know you’re going to do it again the next time you use the bathroom. Better yet, you might even try to blame it on someone else in the house!

2. You never wash up your dirty dishes

(There’s more where this came from) Have your parents never taught you that stuff will continue to be dirty if you don’t clean it? I understand this may be hard to believe, but plates don’t magically clean themselves. Maybe this is some strange phenomenon you have never hear of, so hopefully now that I have broken it down for you, you will keep that in mind next time you think of leaving the bacteria on your plates to their own devices. 🙂 – aka please don’t.

3. You leave food in your fridge long enough that ends up growing living organisms inside

Refrigeration has been around for more than two centuries, you should know by now that this doesn’t mean you can keep food fresh for that long too. If you happen to be a forgetful person however and cannot fathom out this concept, just use the freezer. This way at least you won’t compromise the entire household’s health and general wellbeing. 21st century technology can do amazing things! TRY IT.

4. You leave food in the kitchen sink / crumbs on the counters

You must be a huge philanthropist to want to feed the ants and rats that are starving behind the house’s / flat’s nooks and crannies. Unfortunately, not everyone in the house may be as altruistic and giving as you, so maybe sign up for a charity instead, I have a few recommendations, all outside of Durham completely coincidentally – no reason in particular!

5. You keep half of the house’s kitchenware in your bedroom

Collections of all sorts are fascinating indeed. But there is a fine line between that and holding all your mates’ knives and forks hostage.

6. You ‘borrow’ your other housemates’ eggs, bread, or cutlery and hope they don’t notice (but they do – every time)

Exhibit A. Who leaves their porridge on the toilet? I mean I understand that the reel you were watching on Instagram may have been really captivating, but the toilet? seriously?

7. In fact, you ‘borrow’ other housemates’ anything without asking

This often comes hand in hand with being super sensitive when they then borrow your own stuff. You gradually use up anything from their foundation, to their olive oil but you’re actively aware of how wrong what you are doing is as you have an issue when they do the same!

8. You never take out the rubbish

Unlike other things which may go unnoticed, I believe the rank smell of food gone bad is hardly one of them. Especially when there’s mountains of it. Just take it out consistently, everyone has to do it at some point.

9. You have annoyingly loud sex

*speaks for itself*

10. You have annoyingly loud sex at ungodly hours

Again, no need to elaborate

11. You have annoyingly loud sex at ungodly hours, and you give everyone in the house a reenactment of what went down in the morning

You get the point, stop involving everyone you know in your sex life. thank you.

12. You listen in to your housemates’ private phone conversations

I’m sure that amidst your own sex life, and philanthropic (debatable) tendencies, you have your hands pretty full, why stick your nose in more situations?

13. You listen in to your housemates’ private phone conversation and are not even discreet about it!

Some people are more free-minded than others, I completely understand – do you? (Don’t answer that, you don’t). Simply because you’re an over sharer with no boundaries and a moral compass that does not work whatsoever, does not give you the immediate right to impose your ideologies on others around you.

14. You never buy toilet roll when you know you need some

Instead, you may text in the group chat that you have appointed that role to anyone but you now as your job is done. Simply by announcing to your victims: “Out of toilet roll in house. Someone pls buy :)” you all of a sudden believe you are relieved of your duties. It has to be noted that this is not annoying if it happens occasionally, but if you actively and constantly are the one announcing to the lot that the house is out of toilet paper, maybe you should consider just buying some yourself.

15. You complain about your housemates doing very normal things as human beings

Though I believe this goes without saying, if you happen to be this housemate, you tend to disregard that other people have lives that extend beyond serving you and your needs. You get annoyed and even occasionally text in the group chat something along the lines of “don’t mean to be difficult but…” and proceed to make your frivolous or petty request. This is just a friendly reminder that just because you can hear someone walking around in their room, or talking at a normal level in the living room you can just cancel it out and mind your own business, as most of the time it is your nosiness that keeps you awake, not the happenings in the other room.

16. Body hair of any form in the drain / bathtub

A picture was too gross to even take, let alone attach. You get the picture though.

17. You host pres at the house and always say ‘I’ll clean up later’ (but never do)

A glass or two are fine to be left out for a day, but soon either the house runs out of cutlery again, or your poor housemates just clean up after you again. At this point at least pay them since this has probably turned into a full time job.

18. You refuse to switch the heating on. In Durham. Come on

It’s cold – people come from all around the world, and not everyone can gaslight themselves into thinking that walking around in a t-shirt and gym shorts during January is normal.

19. You always leave your clothes in the washing machine / dryer for days

Just take them out. They’re going to end up smelling damp and mouldy all over again and you’ll just hog the washing machine for longer.

20. You smoke in the house

No comment. Go outside.

Freshers, brace yourselves. Others… good luck. And to Durham’s worst housemates…do better!

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