BREAKING: Revision is sexual liberator

Give her a new reason to reach for the top shelf

So you’ve come back to Durham fresh from your mini-breaks to Mauritius, the combination of your pathetic northern complexion and St. Tropez lotion spawning a Tangoed monster, only to find that you’re actually meant to be sitting down and doing some work. Before you shed a tear for the death of social interaction as we know it, forever enslaved to the dreaded R-word – fear not, for I come to you with tidings of joy. These three weeks before exams will actually be the most sociable time of your entire year, and I’ll tell you why:

Number 1 – Everybody is on Facebook

Before this term, the social media emporium was just your meagre attempt to portray the social ideal you have of yourself. But during these three weeks your dirty habit, of scrolling through summer pictures of that girl you met at that party that time, has become everyone’s dirty habit. So why not talk about it on snapchat? Or Twitter? Or Tumblr? There really is no better form of procrastination, aside from writing an article for the Tab.

Number 2 – Conversations are better

Or I should probably say longer. Sure, you’ll only be talking about revision and exam stress, but your conversations will be at least double their usual length as you both blossom with this new form of procrastination. You’ll bump into someone you vaguely know from one of your lectures and have a 10 minute conversation as if you’re old friends. During this sacred period, sup-nods become “Hi”, “Hi” becomes “How’re you”, and conversations become sexual intercourse – some people will go to any length to avoid revision.

Number 3 – Everyone is going out

Let’s not tar everybody with the same brush here, but literally everyone (BNOCs, SNOCs and even the ANOCs) are going out because “it’s our last chance before exams!” As if ‘after exams’ is an unforeseeable plain of time somewhere in the distant future, its reality far from certain, which would definitely require a subjunctive to emphasise your doubt as to its existence.

“Some people will go to any lengths…or heights”

Number 4 – Everyone has something in common

In the myriad of diversity at Durham, it’s sometimes hard to find a point of concurrence. So much so that a promising night out with friends (who are all out now) could devolve into a mind-numbing rant about a rowing race that happened when you were a fresher (just drop it, we know it was the cox’s fault). But no more! Now you can finish an excellent night in Klute by weeping at how little revision you’ve done and becoming more stressed because that one workaholic is working through some past papers with 4 weeks to go (yep, even they’re out.)

Number 5 – The sun is out!

If all of this wealth of opportunity is not enough for you, then just head outside. The weather (as I write this in my room with the curtains closed sitting in my SpongeBob pants) is glorious and there will surely be those people, admittedly mostly freshers, who have already pretty much passed this year and are soaking up some rays, so why not join them?

So there you have it. Cheer up and enjoy these few weeks before you plunge into the relative hell of actual exams, when you really will have nothing to do but revise.