Tales of Bare Embarrassment

Everyone builds up sex to be The Big Thing. There are so many rumours and urban legends being constantly made up and retold, for example about positions and time spans seemingly impossible for the human body to sustain, that it’s like a massive game of Chinese whispers. The hype and the sensationalism of such stories create great expectations.

But the truth of the matter is, sex doesn’t always go so smoothly. It isn’t the beautifully choreographed coming together of two airbrushed-to-perfection people that the stories may lead us to believe.

Sex can be messy, embarrassing, awkward and funny; and it’s nothing to be ashamed about.

It’s time to remove the rose-tinted spectacles and take a closer look at the most embarrassing, and most hilarious, untold stories about sex…

• Male, 18: The most embarrassing sexual experience I’ve had was when me and my ex were having sex on her parents’ bed and then her older sister walked into the room. She thought that me and my ex were just making out, so she grabbed the covers and saw everything!

• Female, 18: Shouting out the wrong guy’s name. Very very awkward.

• Male, 20: After finishing an Operational Tour of Duty in Afghanistan, we returned to our base in Germany, with very low alcohol tolerance levels, but squaddies being squaddies, we hit the drink hard immediately.

After about 6 hours in the town and barely being able to stand, a few lads decided to head to a local brothel and dragged my paralytic self along.

Eventually getting into bed with a prostitute, I was on top when finally my body decided it wasn’t happy with this substance of alcohol that it had not endured for 4 months, and I subsequently threw up on this poor woman’s face.

Needless to say I was back in camp shortly after and a legend among the lads.

• Male, 23: Finding out that my best mate’s bird was an escort.

• Female, 20: I kissed an ugly guy for a dare. Turns out he kissed me for a dare too. Karma’s a b*tch!

• Male, 22: Having sex in a park. People could see us and I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would.

• Male, 21: Wasp flew in just before doing it. Cue me punching it to death and totally killing the mood. Wasps and nudity are never a good combination.

• Female, 19: On the first night of uni I had a threesome with two guys. Now one of them’s my boyfriend. My so-called “friends” love to take the mick out me for that one!

• Male, 19: She was gorgeous but I couldn’t get it up.

• Male, 18: No matter what I do I can never last longer than 10 minutes. So frustrating!

• Female, 20: When I first started going out with my boyfriend I faked my orgasms because I wanted to boost his ego.

But then I had to keep on faking so that he wouldn’t cotton to the fact, and now it’s got to the point where it’s always over quickly because he thinks that I get pleasure in that short amount of time.

It’s so frustrating and so embarrassing because I’ve faked every single one and I don’t know whether or not to admit that I was faking, it’s been going on too long!

• Male, 20: When I lived at home, I was self-servicing when my dad walked in without knocking. I don’t know what was more embarrassing: the fact he caught me at it or the fact that he talked to me about it afterwards about how it’s fine and that everyone does it.

• Female, 18: Being relatively new to clubbing and pulling, when I guy invited me back to his after a night out, I agreed as I was very tired and could think of nothing better than a nice bed close at hand. When he tried it on, I had to say that I hadn’t realised his intentions and that I was in fact gay!