ALEX MANSELL discusses the minefield of post-pull politics
Boy meets girl. Boy pulls girl. Boy f*cks girl. This, to many guys, equates to a rather successful night out. But what if the girl goes back to his and doesn’t want to take things further? Does the guy respect her, or does he think she’s just a c*cktease?
The question of post-pulling antics is a difficult one. The excitement and chemistry of getting with someone new can be such that, when the lights come on and the music stops, you just don’t want the night to end there. All that energy and passion from chasing and chatting and dancing and pulling doesn’t just evaporate, so how can you channel it without leaving with your conquest behind?
Sure, you can say ‘bye’ there and then safe in the knowledge that if they’re really interested you can exchange numbers and see each other another time. Although the actual swapping of numbers is in itself a tricky and awkward business, and even if it’s successfully executed, sometimes this just isn’t enough. You’re drunk, in the moment, lustful – the novelty of hitting it off with someone really can be enough to make you want to go back, not necessarily for sex, but to just to enjoy the thrill of being around them, the intimacy of being close to them.
More often than not, this is a girl’s train of thought. In many cases, a guy’s will be something more akin to, ‘I’m horny, and she’ll do.’ Let’s face it; generally speaking, a boy will take sex when it’s offered, so when a girl does go back to his and announces it’s not going any further, the boy can demonstrate a distinct lack of understanding and sensitivity.
In the words of Robin Williams, “God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” Obviously not all boys are programmed thus, and I’m not trying to create some grand feminist harangue here, but biologically-speaking, men are wired to seek out sex and to spread their seed far and wide, so for the most part will do anything (and anyone) to fulfil their evolutionary urges.
And essentially, going back with someone entails leaving a public, open space and entering the much more private and essentially erotic arena of the bedroom, this being designed for the act of either sleeping or sex.
In agreeing to venture towards a place so redolent of sexual deeds, then, a girl is giving the signal she’s ‘up-for-it’, so it makes sense for a guy to be confused when he’s offered mere cuddles. While these are, of course, nice, it’s a bit like offering someone steak and chips and proceeding to give them a packet of crisps – not quite satisfying enough.
And of course we also encounter the problem of mixed signals – guys are so much more receptive to visual cues so if a girl is saying she doesn’t want anything heavy whilst simultaneously frenziedly kissing, of course he’s going to think it’s leading somewhere…
Even when a girl provides a disclaimer along the lines of, “I’ll go back with you but we’re not going past pulling”, it can be interpreted as her saying it to make him think she’s not a slut, and actually having every intention of taking it further. Or that she’s just playing hard-to-get to make him work harder.
I have to admit, before writing this article, I didn’t know which viewpoint I agreed with, but having thought about it, I feel I’m sympathising with the males. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve very much been in a position where I’ve gone back and subsequently been angry when the guy expected – and pushed for – more than just kissing, but in reality the mere act of going back is in itself highly suggestive of more to come (no pun intended).
If you have a good time with someone, get up the nerve to get their number, and if future contact doesn’t happen, they weren’t worth the hassle. Let a good night remain as such, and don’t let it get tainted by an unhappy case of crossed wires.
So when it comes to agreeing to go back with someone, think about what this implies – in other words, don’t put yourself out there, unless you intend to put out.