Superbad Versus Superlad

Philip Marshall speaks up for the loveless common man

chlamydia lazy eye muffvember stanton's

Thursday mornings can often bring unpleasant surprises. You wake up; head throbbing, eyes stinging and stomach rumbling, to find that you’re not alone. You stretch out an arm precariously to the other side of the bed to discover what you regrettably brought back the night before; the half eaten remnants of a Stanton’s fish and chips.

You look at them in disgust and ask yourself how you could have ever done such a thing, before doing the walk of shame down to the kitchen to deposit the evidence; the polystyrene packaging.

This is the sad story of bachelors and bachelorettes university-wide, yet while the tribulations of one night stands and drunken pulls are well-documented at DurhamOne, the strife of the common man in trying to find himself a mate is cruelly overlooked.

Of course, every now and then Christmas comes early and we do venture back to alien accommodation for the night, but for every other night of the year singledom paints a far less exciting picture. The average Joe or plain Jane gets drunk, goes to Studio, sharks (to no avail), sharks harder (still to no avail), then returns back home, alone, having invested in some comfort food for the road.

This seems like a sorry state of affairs, you may thing, but there are in fact upsides.

For starters, you don’t have to deal with the so called ‘Post Pull Politics’. This means no awkward morning after and no uncomfortable encounters in Tesco’s a few days later, which ultimately results in a more stress free existence.

Secondly, while your private parts remain a no fly zone the matter of ‘Poonanny Policing’ and the likes becomes somewhat of a non-issue, so you can rock a Sixities afro in the downstairs department and no one will have the slightest clue.

The ladies may even fancy taking part in Muffvember, the female version of Movember, an increasingly popular fad in recent years; whether you decide to ask family friends for sponsorship money is your choice.

On top of all this, with end of term deadlines approaching, a good night's sleep is at a premium and last thing you want is for the stranger you have brought back from Loveshack to steal the duvet and kick you in groin, both of which will inevitably happen at some point during the night.

And, perish the thought, they may leave you with a token of appreciation in the form of an STI. After all, Durham Sex Survey revealed that 10% of us have had them (and that’s probably on the modest side). Then, having got antibiotics and kicked the Chlamydia, you may get the dreaded call that she’s missed her period…and she wants to keep it.

The list of reasons to go home solo seems to go on and on and on!

So the next time that you're despairing to yourself about your lack of luck with the opposite sex, take a moment to look at the positives of a night alone and think twice before bringing back that 4/10 who you think is looking at you across the club (although it’s hard to tell with the lazy eye).

After all, while lads are getting laid, everyone else is getting a good night’s kip.