So you’re going to Treatment for the first time

This Friday, Cardiff’s answer to the Berlin house scene shall be making its infamous appearance in the form of Treatment.

For those of you bug eyed, untainted freshers, Treatment is a night where our humble Union gets turned into a sweat fueled euphoric shrine to the gods of house.

As soon as you step over the threshold you will be treated to a night of serious boogying, conversations of bollocks and people who will become your best friend for one night only.

The music and DJs who come and play are always different, there are a few things which remain the same:

Choker, croptop, water, pose for the photo, got to let everyone know I was at a rave being a fucking legend. SAFE

Clothing

Ladies: The key here is to wear which allows you to bare as much flesh as possible. The crop top is a vital part of your outfit. Often skin tight, this slinky little piece of material can come in all shapes and styles.

It may be winter, but it’s important you accessorise like you’re in the peak of festival season. The bindi is one of the easiest ways to achieve this look – most girls take some weird pride in sticking a religious symbol to their forehead.

Bumbagalicious. Nights like Treatment are the the only time  where we all think it is completely legitimate to wear these monstrously ugly items. Bumbags or fanny packs. If that doesn’t scream sexy I don’t know what does . Go on, get it on, work it, you know you want to.

Bindis are so house

Gentlemen: It feels like a law of Treatment that guys should wear an oversized baggy white t-shirt  but not just any old white t-shirt. It must be branded. The bigger the brand the better, Fila and Ellesse will get you some serious swag points

To accompany your white t-shirt, you must learn the complex technique of how to tie your jumper, which you will no doubt take off once you’re in the sweat shower. The over-one-arm-under-one-shoulder is a winner. You might look like you’re wearing a cape. Let’s be honest it is awkward when you’re trying to unleash some moves but have faith, this will make you look like the house loving legend you are.

Dancing

At house nights, you will of course get the shufflers.  If that’s you, please stop. Just don’t. You look like a twat.

And a one and a two and now for the violins

Moving on, you actually dont need to be able to dance well to look like a cool kitty here. The classic two step with the occasional arm movement will do, make a knitting motion, or flail your arms as  if you’re conducting an imaginary orchestra. A little bit of head boppage is also welcome.

Your face

Bass face. We all know the face everyone pulls. It’s the cross between pouting and looking like you’re taking a shit. Get practicing, and perfect it, because you’re going to need it to fit in with these fish-look-a-like shitters.

EHHHHMAAAAGWAAARRRDDD that drop

Chat

The obligatory narcotic nattering. Be prepared for the inescapable question which will be ringing in your ears like an annoying fly  “Oh my god mate, have you come up yet?”

You’ll meet someone in the smoking area and after five minutes you’ll be best friends, tell John how much you love him already. You’re going to climb up Pen y Fan together tomorrow.