Everyone with a vagina should masturbate at uni | The Periodical

Polish the pearl before you polish your grades

My mum buys my brother dildos.

It started just over a year ago, after I’d left for my first term at Cambridge. My brother’s constant complaints of horniness got so tiring that, finally, my mum sat him down and they picked out a dildo on Amazon together. Now, from what I’ve heard, my brother has quite the collection of sex-toys.

When I first discovered this, I wanted to gouge my eyes out. I’ve since had time to accept it though, and realise that there is something to be learned from his unashamedly horny ways.

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The time has come to stroke my pussy without fear.

Is Cambridge a little too prudish? I’m not saying we should all be putting dildos on our Christmas lists, but maybe we could do with being more open about sex with each other, and even with ourselves.

So, in an effort to break the silence on self-pleasure, here are some top tips for taming the shrew while you're at uni. Exam term is hard. Give yourself a hand for getting halfway through it. You know, literally.

Don’t be embarrassed

This is much easier said than done, I know, but pretty much everyone you know enjoys a spot of finger painting now and then, so don’t feel ashamed.

It’s like revising for exams. We all like to pretend we never do it – “oh my god, I’ve done nothing to prepare for this exam!” – but actually, getting yourself alone so you can focus on doing it every once in a while is really good for you. And your friends probably do it a lot more than they’d like to admit.

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Even colleges are encouraging study breaks for pussy stroking.

Invest in something that vibrates

If you're afraid someone will hear it, fear not, they’ll probably just think you really enjoy a thorough tooth brushing sesh. Worried you sound a little loud while buttering your muffin? Complain of toothache around your flatmates, and the groans will make sense.

Once when my grandma was helping to empty my room for the holidays, she knocked a box which started vibrating. We exchanged a look before she wordlessly left the room to carry another box out to the car.

The incriminating object was only a vibrating face cleanser. So the moral of the story is: sometimes people will think you have something naughty in your box even when you don’t. Who knows what they think? Who cares? So fuck it. Again, literally.

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My pussy in a box: like 'Inception', but with vagina euphemisms.

For a cheaper/inconspicuous option, take a trip to Mainsbury’s

They have a wide selection of fruit and vegetables. Obviously give it a good wash before use, but you must try to get your 5 a day.

Lubricate, lubricate, lubricate

My gal. I cannot stress enough the importance of lube.

Forget all the other tips. They are only optional extras, and most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone, anyway. All you really need for a ménage à moi is a hand, some lube, and an idea of where your clitoris is.

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One last photo of my pussy for luck, this time in the pains of labour (which was only a mild distraction from my reading).

If you’re not feeling like facing the Sainbury’s cashier with your lube, there are plenty of things you probably already have around the house which are safe to use. Coconut oil I would strongly recommend – it’s great for moisturising your skin and hair, so a tub of it is just a useful thing to have anyway – but also aloe vera, and a little more questionably if you’re desperate, egg whites and olive oil. (Really Google?)

On the one hand, it feels good. On the other hand, it still feels good, although if the other hand isn't your writing hand it may be a tad trickier. So don’t hold back! I’ll see you next Monday for more articles I can only hope my parents will never see.

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