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Naughty News Column Week 1: Duckbridge Purge, Big Bad Vegan Brunch, and Lib Dems finding Jesus

Hen and Floz bring you all the XXL BREAKING News from the land of Cantab


Ducks and kittens

Wholesome news abounds as the fertile Cambridge rivers produce new chicks and critters. Christ's College has a family of ducks living in Old Court, and at St. Catz the porters have been feeding a family of ducks, with fresh ones being hatched just recently

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The Catz chicks

However, the world is a cruel dark place. Those chicks had better look out for the MASSACRES at John's, where Roast Duck with apple was recently served, and at Emma, where fish have allegedly been scoffing baby ducklings. It's a Bird eat Duck world at Emma, where a predatory bird was spotted making off with an innocent duckling.

In other David AttenBRO news, a college kitten was spotted at Clare College , Old Court. The kitten chilled out in A staircase for a bit, feline good (ahA!) then panicked about its impending exam DOOM and scurried off again.

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A haunting image for us all

Medwards CHICKS have been enjoying a human-sized bird-nest. Students returned to nature with a lovingly hand-crafted, organic, Vegan-friendly human-sized birds' nest, created from branches dropped by Storm Doris. Thanks Dozzabae.

Brunch

It's been a bougie week for the special snowflakes of Cambridge University, as new brunch options have been exposed. Jesus students will never own a house, as they'll be spending all their pounds on spenny avotoast. On the other end of the bougie brunch spectrum, John's has just discovered the presence of Vegans™ in its college, and has just rolled out some yummo Vegan options. There is also a whiff of breaded brie at Pembroke, but as this was already covered by Varsity, it is now an irrelevant story, and Hen and Floz will now be boycotting all cheesy options.

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What will John's uncover next? Find out next week!!!

Apparently Trinity has smoked salmon, but this is unconfirmed.

Politics

Luscious Lib Dems Nick Clegg and Julian Huppert were in Jesus cafe last week, possibly looking for advice on how to be re-elected from unsuspecting students. This spectacular visit went entirely unnoticed by everyone. Poor Cleggy.

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"What am I doing here?"

Local celeb Jonjo Doe, the long-time Big Issue seller outside Sainsbury's, has set up a GoFundMe page for a coffee trike. He has so far raised over £3,600 and Floz and I wish him all the best. You can fund his campaign here.

The Union website CRASHED as students desperately hunted for £28 tickets to get drunk in Sidney Sussex gardens, at the Summer Garden Party. Floz is glad she is no longer Publicity Officer for the Union, and Hen didn't know it was happening, but is glad to know of this opportunity to drink gin.

The Footlights Committee has been announced, but we are not allowed to disclose details 😉

About us

Hen got scouted in Cambridge market as a model, after buying sunglasses. His new favourite song this week is by Catatonia . He also organised a swap which no one came to. His birthday is on the 1st May and anyone well-wishers can place cake in his pidge.

Floz is not coming to Henry's birthday party, so the two are not speaking currently. She has just been elected to the position of Secretary on her college JCR, and is now Publicity and Press Officer at Clare Politics.