REVEALED: 50 BIGGEST BNOCs
The salacious summary
Hold your horses, chums, you'll have to wait a little longer for the BIG TAB TOP 10. Meanwhile, you can content yourselves with this tidy selection of slightly smaller names on campus.
In a list dominated by thesps, social justice warriors and sports stars The Tab has gathered together the biggest names of 2018. Here you can find who they are and the saucy details that got them on to this infamous list.
Whether you see them at the Cindies bar asking for "the usual" (4 tropical VKs of course) or whether their face is plastered all over town promoting their latest thespianic shenanigans or indeed if they're one of that rare breed of super nice, wholesome people who really deserves to be well known. Their name will be on this list. And if it's not, you must question whether they're really relevant at all?
Despite some hilarious submissions for a "turtleneck-wearing woke intellectual", "the freshest fresher of all time" and a girl who "describes herself as a BNOT, always swipes right on Tinder" we didn't quite reach the heights of 2016 where a bona fide campaign was launched by Thomas Hughes-McLure of Trinity. Accompanied with steamy gifs and plenty of bare skin the Tab editorial team were dismayed that the Best Bums spirit didn't reach to BNOC. Facebook link attached here:
Inclusion in this illustrious list precludes absolute and unwavering success in life – with former BNOCs going on to dominate whatever field with which they grace their presence. So without further ado, read this list and weep.
THE OFFICIAL TAB 11-50 BNOCS 2018
11. Joe Pieri – Girton (Thesp) "Has been known to have men through his window"
12. Ruby Keane – Homerton (Thesp, Twitter Fame) "Absolutely roasted Claude from the Apprentice"
13. Oliver Hulme – Pembroke (College JCR Fame) "When asked why he just spent £200 on a rucksack, he responded: 'Well… I have a lot of money'"
14. Simon Percelay – John's (CUSU Champion) "Utter king of bureaucracy"
15. Martha Cook – Fitz (Thesp) "Did naked River Cam photoshoot "
16. Jasmin Rees – Newnham (Thesp) "Horrifyingly sweet, upbeat and kind – Cambridge's Best Brum."
17. Julie Wise – (Sport, Blue, Professional Networker) "'I do have 707 profile picture likes but who’s counting?'"
18. Ania Magliano-Wright – Girton (Thesp, Twitter Fame) "Does every comedy thing"
19. Laura Pujos – Girton (Thesp, Drinking Soc Notoriety) "A known legend"
20. Connor MacDonald – Emma (College JCR Fame, CUSU Champion, CUCA, Objective Wanker) "Least wankery of CUCA – Deserves a fucking medal for that"
21. Blaise Sadler – Girton (College JCR Fame, Corporate Hack) "So corporate he got LinkedIn before he got Facebook."
22. Naphtali Yosef Rabinowitz – John's (JSoc Fame) "This guy has got a Blue in being a Jew" "Like Moses, but more stressed"
23. Gerard Lyons – Sidney (Drinking Soc Notoriety, Objective Wanker) "I've retired from being a BNOC"
24. Siyang Wei – Newnham (Thesp, CULC, Journalism Hack, Social Justice Warrior) "Centre of the all the drama"
25. Niamh Curran – Fitz (Thesp, Irish) "Small and threatening "
26. Rhiannon Shaw – Jesus (Thesp) "By far the most attractive of the Footlights."
27. Ted Mackey – Selwyn (Thesp, College JCR fame, Journalism Hack) "Has been on 2 unsuccessful blind dates, both of which I read about in the student press…"
28. Tom Goulding – Caius (Sport, Professional Networker) "Simultaneously ran 110 miles and sank 138 pints. In seven days."
29. Sophie Leydon – King's (Professional Networker) "Wore a wedding dress to King's Mingle"
30. Geraint Owen – Pembroke (Thesp) "Played King Midas on CBeebies!!"
31. Alex Power – Emma (College JCR fame, Social Justice Warrior) "Part time photographer, full time legend"
32. Johnny King – Downing (Thesp) "Only current student to have made a feature film"
33. Elliott Wright – Caius (Thesp) "Once dabbed so hard he fell over." "Got his dick out on stage"
34. Hani El-Bay – Trinity (Union Hack, Professional networker, CUCA) "Has been on Union committee since forever"
35. Sathya James – Christ's (Memebridge Founder) "Literally who else has had such an impact on the Cambridge world"
36. Toni Fola-Alade – John's (Sport, Professional networker, Drinking Soc notoriety) "Can't down a pint"
37. Florence Oulds – Sabb (Social Justice Warrior, CUSU champion, Facebook Fame) "She is the Queen"
38. Mary Kiernan – Jesus (Professional networker, Facebook Fame, Drinking Soc notoriety) "Has never missed a Wednesday Cindies or Sunday Life"
39. Gabriel Barton-Singer – Trinity (Union Hack) "3 rejected Varsity columns so he just shouts his opinions at the Union"
40. Page Nyame-Satterthwaite – Christ's (Union Hack) "I bribed £100 to have her on RAG Blind Date only to find she hadn't signed up"
41. Olivia Buckland – Homerton (Social Justice Warrior, CUSU champion, Facebook Fame) "Legit has her own IMDB page"
42. Maria Epishkina – Catz (Union Hack, Social Justice Warrior, Professional Networker) "She’s a boss ass bitch, crushed the others in the union election and is still funny af 10/10 gal"
43. Patrick Sylla – Jesus (Thesp, College JCR Fame, Tell Me About) "He loves nothing more, than to tell everyone how much of a big deal he is!"
45. Oscar Yang – Peterhouse (Thesp)
46. Henry Mitson – Caius (Union Hack, CUCA) "Can drink port like it’s water."
47. Belen Bale – Pembroke (College JCR fame) "SHE SHOULD WIN FOR BEING NICE"
48. Kate Collins – Newnham (Thesp) "She is without doubt the best human."
49. Benedict Clarke – Catz (Thesp) "Played young Snape!!"
50. Juliet Armstrong – Trinity (Sport, Facebook Fame) "She is a snek"
Stay tuned for the OFFICIAL TOP 10 which will be coming out over the coming days. Brace yourself for a veritable feast of narcissism, power and ambition.