Baewatch: Getting a date with the love of your life

By following my advice word for word, you have, obviously, found, met and successfully initiated contact with The Love of Your Life™. Well done, gold star for you. I’d say this is an achievement in itself and you might as well quit while you’re ahead, but love is all about risks, so it’s time to bring out the big guns and go on A Date.

Step 1: The ask

A simple face-to-face ask is dated (haha) and basic. Welcome to #2017, aka The Future. And by The Future, I mean accidentally poking Edgy Edward on Facebook whilst stalking his profile for the 3579th time. Now you simply have to message him and clear up this MESS. What a shame.

On second thoughts maybe this is a shame.

You proceed to remind Edward that you met in Fez last night. Remember? No? After a gentle jog of the memory that you were in fact one of the 11 people in attendance, you're just about memorable enough to be spoken to, so you suggest meeting again. After several hours of being screen read, you're met with a heartwarming reply:

Cool and casual.

Step 2: Finding a time

Obstacle one, check. You’ve shown keenness and interest, which is probably desirable, just don't overdo it. If ever there were a moment to play it totally cool, it is now. You need to prove that your time, particularly your time to go on a date, is precious. It must take no less than seven attempts to agree on a convenient time. You are, after all, the busiest person in Cambridge. Undefeated. Unbeatable. The pinnacle of busy. It is you. Only you.

"But," I hear you contest, "I’ve literally just asked if Edward is free this week." Ah, young, foolish and hopeless romantic, this is all part of the plan. He might be free on October 26th at 8pm, but you, are not.

Are you with me yet? No? Just trust me on this.

After much back and forth, you finally find a slot in your busy, busy schedule: January 22nd 2019, 8:36pm. Until then, avoid any potential real-life interaction, it ruins the allure. You must make sacrifices here, and if that means switching to ASNAC for the time being, then so be it. If you're wondering why I chose ASNAC, I ask you this: have you ever met an ASNAC? Exactly.

Step 3: Selecting a place

You want to choose a place that is ambient. A place that is atmospheric. A place where…you have zero chances of awkwardly bumping into a distant acquaintance. Spotting your next door neighbour who you barely know but will proceed to give you an encouraging wink on the way to a table anyway is not a good look. No fear, I have a solution: you live in town, he lives in town. Choose Girton. I'm being totally serious and absolutely not trying to use up my word count with another generic joke here. I mean it. Life is not about the destination, it's about the journey.

Step 4: Remaining calm

Now you have laid the foundations for the date, it is essential that you uphold your reputation of "chill". No big deal. But also, Big Deal. Message every group chat you're in ASAP, Penny from Cambridge Offerholders 2016 : )) simply must be informed. Curate a wedding bouquet board on Pinterest. Change your relationship status to "it's complicated".

Step 5: Pre-date preparation

This really is the formative period of the experience. For this I would suggest looking up Edward's star sign, just to get some backup conversation topics flowing. And to check that you're compatible, obviously.

The stars don't lie, hun

Edward's star sign is Aries. A quick internet search and several astrology sites later reveals that every single Aries ever loves motorbike riding and vibrant music, so by default you now love motorbike riding and vibrant music.

Step 6: The arrival

It goes without saying that you must arrive fashionably late. There are no exceptions to this rule. How late remains a question that is hotly contested by the critics of today and tomorrow, but I would say somewhere around the hour-and-a-half mark works a charm. Stride into Girton, catch sight of Edward in the distance and approach. Sit down.

Don’t be alarmed, that look on his face is not anger or irritation, rather intimidation by how amazing you are. "Hi there," you say, your hair blowing gently and seductively from the breeze of The Great Indoors. "Sorry I’m a little late. My motorbike broke down. Haha hehe. Ha. I love vibrant music."

Silence falls.

Ah, the language of love. So complex, so remarkable, so magnifique. Flirtatious banter is just too simple for minds like both of yours. You stare at each other.

"Well, I’ve had a great time," you begin.

"You’ve been here three minutes. You haven’t even asked m–"

"Wow we have so much in common? It’s like we were…destined to be together. Anyway, must dash, things to do, people to see, you know how it is, haha. I’ll text you."

Nailed it.