Best places to have a breakdown in Cambridge

Cry, cry and cry some more

Cambridge CUSU Council Law Faculty stress Students supervision UL university week 5 week 6

Everybody says that Week 5 is the worst in Cambridge. This is a lie.

It is the point in Week 6 when you realise you still have four essays to do, that an extension really isn’t an extension because it just sets you behind on your other work, and when you get reminded that you have to start revising for exams as soon as the Easter holidays begin that is really the worst. In short, you’re under so much stress crying is the only option.

Don’t just cry in bed with wine. Find an adventurous location.

Rather than sitting in your room shedding a few tears over your book on late medieval farming practices (dull enough to make anybody cry) why not have your termly breakdown in a more adventurous location?

A supervision

Nothing will make your angry supervisor forget about lecturing you on that problem sheet you haven’t done like having a breakdown in the middle of the supervision.

Cambridge fellows are more accustomed to spending their time with books or with maths – unwarranted displays of human emotion will undoubtedly terrify them, make them fumble around awkwardly, offer you a tissue, profusely apologise and then look at you throughout the rest of the supervision like you’re a bomb of emotions ready to explode once more.

The Law Faculty

For those of you who want a bit of attention and people to notice you when you’re having your breakdown, the Law faculty is the perfect location. Stupidly designed so that all the noise from the cafe at the bottom successfully carries up all the floors, all you have to do is sit on the floor of the cafe and cry loudly for every single person who does law to hear you.

Be careful that there are no recruiters sniffing around though – if you are angling after a law vacation scheme you need to be perceived as an emotionless robot. Any sign of weakness and you can wave bye-bye the dazzling world of corporate suits you so desire.

Breakdown central

CUSU Council

If you’re looking for a bit of privacy when having your breakdown, look no further than CUSU Council, because nobody ever goes.This only happens every two weeks, so you can easily store up your emotions and let them out in the hour-long session. The fact that it takes place in the hideously ugly University Centre is enough to make anybody weep.

The meeting will be the perfect place for you to silently cry – you won’t miss anything important because nothing ever gets done, and the only people there are JCR and journo hacks who will bluntly ignore you and instead type furiously on their laptops like they are reporting the next major decision in Brexit is being made.

A truly hideous building

On a punt

If you’re looking for a nice bit of cinematic drama to your life there is nowhere better to have a cry than on a punt. Recreate those scenes from pre-teen movies where people sit in beautiful scenery and have a good old cry whilst still managing to keep their make-up in tact. Plus there are ducks there who can cheer you up for good measure.

Fitzbillies

Stuff your face with Chelsea buns after your breakdown and everything will be okay.

The UL

In the isolated corners of the UL nobody can hear you scream (or cry). The isolated sixth-floor corridors with all of the books that nobody uses make a perfect place for a little cry. Alternatively, have a full on breakdown in the Reading Room amongst many poor students, and you will get extra empathy – nobody will blame you, they might even join you.

The place of doom

The Corpus Playroom

Less obvious than the ADC, if your thespian woes are getting you down this is the perfect place to come for a cry. The shape of the room means the acoustics will be perfect. Plus surrounded by Cambridge’s finest actors you won’t look out of place – just say you are rehearsing the newest piece of experimental theatre and they will be lining up around you for the Camdram credits.

If all else fails, just suppress your emotions and pretend you’re a machine. Afterall, that is what Cambridge is clearly trying to force you to do.