The best Bridgemas Secret Santa gifts

So, we’ve reached ‘That Point’ in the year.

The Christmas bells are jing- jing- jingling, except they’re not, because a) it’s bloody November and you’re still uploading your #tbt Halloween grams and b) any jingling is disruptive to study. The town has turned a beautiful, festive grey- brown colour. Also, you’ve begun to resemble a slightly crazed, half- starved rat, because Week 7 is upon us and you can’t remember the last time you ate anything other than cheesy chips, or had a shower.

That’s right everybody, it’s Christmas time, the happiest time of the year. If you’re, like me, a fresher, you’ve probably made some friends in the first week (like, maybe three friends at a push) and now you have to rack your brains to think of something creative to get them so that you can be the #1 Cool Friend that everyone wishes they had.

Only a few problems though: one, you can’t be arsed and two, inhaling Van of Life every weekday for the past 7 Weeks has not been good for your budget. In fact, if George Osborne was writing this article he would probably call your economic situation “the mess the previous government left behind” and recommend that you introduce austerity into your own personal life.

By George

And if George Osborne has said nothing else useful in his entire life ever, this time, this time, by George (haha) I think he’s got it! Introduce Secret Santa into your group and ker- ching, you only have to deepstalk one person to find out what kind of thing they would want and save millions of quid. You’re welcome.

But there remains another problem. Namely, the fact that you met your friends about two months ago and there’s still very little that you know- or dare I say it – like about them. How will you ever know what to buy them for Christmas? You’ll have to deepstalk them for hours! This is such an inconvenience and such a nightmare! I hate the holidays anyway!

Worry not, my fine friends. I have sorted all the different Types of Friend that you have made in your short sorrow filled time here into a number of categories. Simply find the category, match to the friend, and viola, you are sorted.

1. The Future Politician

You know the one. Hopping over to a pub social with CULC one minute or “Cava and Croquembouche” (don’t even know wtf that means) with CUCA the next. Or hang on, that’s only if they’re politically confused. But anyway, regardless of your friend’s political affiliation, the best gift I can recommend for this situation is a nice book. Maybe “Let’s Dress Jeremy! The Political Cutout Book”. What a shout, I would love to receive that.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god

Remember, regardless of the political affiliation of your friend, you need to make sure you get them something left- wing anyway. Even if your friend is a Tory, this just gives them an excuse to moan about how oppressed they are which believe me, they love. It’s the best gift you could give anyone.

2. The NatSci

There is literally nothing natural about going to a Natural Sciences lecture on a Saturday. These guys are stressed, give them a break and just get them some bloody alcohol. Maybe a home brew of your own squadka.

If you’re feeling really brave, you could get them something a bit stronger.

Like hemp.

3. The Rower

See point 2 above: like NatScis, these guys also bloody need to relax, but for the sake of differentiation I’ll give you a second option. A worrydoll! Now your rowing friend doesn’t have to incessantly remind you that they can’t come to Cindies tonight because they have to get up at 6 tomorrow, because they can just tell their worrydoll instead. So perfect. This leaves them free to go on a monologue without having to be interrupted by you, someone who just doesn’t get it and now, you don’t have to listen to their erg talk. Oh, I’m into it.

Row row row your boat

4. The Union Member

All these guys need is a box of tissues so they can wipe away the tears as they remember how they naively spent about 200 quid on a debating club in their first week and now feel cheated and let down. The tissue box (with tissues in it, don’t be cruel) will probably be the most useful present they receive this year. Truly, you are such a good friend.

Cry away the pain

5. The Turf enthusiast

Say no more: wav3y, wav3y garms. Hit up your nearest charity- ahem *vintage*- shop and buy something- ANYTHING- made by Adidas. Or failing that, a Hawaiian shirt. Then, stamp on it a bit, and leave it in the road for a couple of days so it gets cycled over. Shabby chic? It’s a yes from me. (And from the bouncers)

so wavy

6. Your drinking society friend

Seriously, just give these people their dignity back. Please.

If you have more than six friends, screw you. I’m fresh out of ideas. And also, lonely. To the rest of you- Merry Bridgemas. Have a sick one.