Halloween: How to dress up the right (scary) way

Today, I am going to teach you how to get laid on the 31st by showing as much cleavage as possible through your Harley Quinn costume…

NO! You’re doing Halloween the wrong way!

The other day my friends were sitting together and doing online shopping for their “Halloween costumes”. Naively, I looked over their shoulders, expecting to see photos of Satan, Donald Trump or Edward Cullen to show up on their phone screens. Instead, I saw this:

This is their idea of horror? What is this madness? In my immediate reaction to this absurd situation, I suggested that they either go with that ridiculous costume idea or go without me. Well, I don’t think that went very well, because now I mostly sit in the buttery alone.

Therefore, in the true spirit of Halloween, I have decided to completely go against all social norms and dress up as things that will actually scare the shit out of people so that I make sure I have no friends and that no one will hit on me at clubs. Below are five genuinely scary costume ideas:

Buttery food

Buttery food brings me some of my worst existential crises. Whenever I put the item on my plate that is publicly recognised as “meat”, instead I taste rubber. When I try to perceive it visually, I can’t even see it anymore because it’s drowned out by the gravy which I think is there simply to help mask the rubbery taste. What am I putting inside my body? How do we know what is meat anymore? To perplex more people, dress up as your buttery food this Halloween!

What you need for this costume:

• Two pieces of hard materials wrapped around your body
• Something that resembles gravy to mask yourself
• To sound extremely sexy, try the following pick-up lines: “I want to be in your mouth, so you can get diarrhoea”, or “I already can see myself in your pants after an hour”

Supervisor

Sometimes I like to call my mum to tell her just how much I love her before facing my supervisor, because I know it will almost inevitably be a near-death experience every time. Dress up as your supervisor this Halloween so people will think that they don’t deserve to be having fun!

What you need for this costume:

• A completely innocent smile that hides your vicious intentions
• A self-esteem meter to detect how much more criticism is needed to destroy the student

Model student

Whenever I see a model student walking around college, I hide in a bush so that they won’t see me and feel even better about themselves. Come on, they have too much going for them already –  their parents don’t actually think that they were a mistake – what else could they possibly want? Dress up as a model student this Halloween to drive up suicide rates in Cambridge!

What you need for this costume:

• A modest jumper
• A stack of books in your arms that you actually enjoy reading, such as Criminal Law: Text, Cases and Materials or Winfield and Jolowicz on Tort (I didn’t make these up)
• A bunch of career leaflets
• Looking like you know what the hell is going on (I know this bit is hard)

Trinity porters

This is not only a threatening costume but it can also come in handy in the club. Whenever a guy thinks that “The Circle of Life” is a cue for him to start rubbing his genitals on you or your friends, turn around and use the authority of a Trinity porter to ask him to leave. If he is from the university, he will.

What you need for this costume:

• A sense of superiority
• 20/20 vision so you can spot any intruders

Life

I am shaking while I am typing this paragraph. Life genuinely scares me. Every morning when I wake up, instead of feeling thankful, I just scream for 10 minutes straight.

What you need for this costume:

• A negative vibe
• Lemons in your arms so you can give them out
• Pick-up line: “I like screwing you up”

So if you see me around, tell me which costume idea you think is best. And feel free to steal any of these ideas, just please don’t all dress up as my supervisor because I would flip.